12 Days of Fuck This: 11 White Elephant Gifts That Should Be…Poached

Disclaimer: I believe only in metaphorical poaching. 

Welcome back to the 12 Days of Fuck This! Today, we’re hating on a time-honored tradition: The White Elephant. Also known on the eastern seaboard as a “Yankee Swap.” The trading of silly trinkets has been around since the early 20th century, but as humanity devolves further into debt and stupidity, it’s evolved from sachets and talking machines (or whatever people bought each other then) to scratch-offs and toilet paper.

Now, I don’t necessarily hate the concept of the White Elephant. In the past, I’ve received gifts I’ve loved (a book of 70s-era concert photography), gifts I’ve liked (a handle of Malibu rum), but most importantly, gifts I’ve loathed (the list is long). On top of everything else one has to do at the holidays, it seems like a lot of effort for a little laugh. When I’m working full time and running (and clicking) all over hell to pick the perfect gift for people I actually like, you think I have time to be clever??? I don’t. Further, I’ve already been forced to participate so many times in the past that I’ve seen all the attempts at funny I can tolerate. I can’t fake laugh at an empty box anymore. Therefore, I’d rather sit it out.

But in case any of you are one day in a White Elephant exchange with me, here are 11 items (in no particular order) that I hope never to receive again:

11. Squatty Potty: As a woman with IBS-C, my culture is not a costume.

10. Self-portrait:  Believe it or not, I don’t think a photo of you — not even a signed one — is one bit funny.

9. Costco-sized package of toilet paper: In the Midwest, we do two kinds of humor: toilet, or ageist (bonus points if it’s both). An excessive amount of bathroom tissue works on both levels, therefore it’s the go-to item for any White Elephant. Practical as it may be, I’ve seen enough.

8. Box of condoms: It’s nearly 2025; Trump is about to take office; depression and anxiety are on the rise; and the internet is lusting over a 26-year-old who killed a healthcare CEO. No one’s fucking!

7. Chia Pet: The only ones worth owning are Bob Ross and the Golden Girls and every self-respecting person already does.

6. An empty box inside of a box inside of a box: The joke’s on you for going to all that effort. I’m not opening that.

5. Hotdog toaster: This is a new concept to me, but according to Reddit, TikTok, and the Jezebel group chat, it’s a real thing. In theory, a singular hotdog maker sounds pretty cool. In reality, it collects dust in your cabinet…so I’m told.

4. A puzzle: What is this? A pandemic? No one uses their brain anymore.

3. An umbrella: If we’re being honest, I’d rather feel the rain on my skin. It’s one of the only (free) reminders left that I’m alive on this Earth.

2. A beta fish: A fish is in a plastic bag and you’re laughing?

1. Cigarettes: Odds are I’ve already bought at least two packs to get me through the holiday that my dad found and tried to throw away.

You know what to do: Drop the worst White Elephant gift you’ve ever given or received in the comments.

And if you haven’t been following along:
The 1 Reason Jellycats Are Ruining Christmas
Everyone Has 2 Nostrils Full of Snot
3 Places Roasted Chestnuts Don’t Belong
4 Christmas Villians I Need to Talk Shit With
5 Ways Christmas Is Turning Your Kid Into a Willing Subject of the Surveillance State
6 Christmas Billboards That Should Be Burned
7 Celeb Christmas Movie Cameos That Hallmark Got Wrong
8 Reasons Christmas Markets Must End
9 Songs That Make Me Want to Die
Give Me 10 More Violent Christmas Spy Thrillers
12 Santas That Trigger Me