Welcome to Grim Yelp Reviews, a new regular feature where we share people’s worst experiences at the worst places. This week: the house(s) of God(s).
God is everywhere. Well, not everywhere, I hope, because none of us needs that much company in the restroom. But the God or gods of your choosing are surely present in all of the earth’s churches, mosques, synagogues, temples, shrines, and every other house of worship. But so too are God’s iffiest creations, human beings. And for them, the Lord’s house is, like, two stars at best. So much incense! And what’s with this music? This cracker is stale and this man in a backwards dress is making me feel really judged right now.
In general, people tend to write very nice Yelp reviews of houses of worship, especially places they attend on a regular basis. But not always. And when things get grim, they get really, really grim. Some very serious accusations are made: about the godliness of the holy place in question, about the hygiene of the people who go there, and even whether they’re worshipping the right god(s) in the right way. Because what better place for serious theological discussion than the website I use to find a good pedicure?
As always, to protect the names of the innocent and not-so-innocent alike, we’ve redacted the names of the businesses, as well as the identities of the Yelpers who wrote the reviews. We realize you can probably find out all of that information by employing five seconds of Google magic.
Insufficient Godliness:
This first one, from someone who’s sorry to see his favorite pastor go:
[Redacted] became less of a church after Pastor [Redacted]. He was an awesome pastor with great style. Too bad he had to be an alleged pervert.
This gentleman enjoys the “Lordsgospel,” he just wishes it didn’t come with all that talking about loving the stranger as yourself:
When I picture this preacher trying to force the Holy Ghost into people, I picture one of those clown punching bags:
I want to warn you about that “church.” Pastor [Redacted] preaches prosperity gospel messages (“What can God do for me?” rather than “What can I do for God?”).He also PUSHES people down during prayer and beats on their chests, claiming they are being “slain in the Spirit.” AND he gets frustrated when they brace themselves and refuse to fall down because they are “not submitting to the Spirit,” when really they are making him look like a fool.The staff are very stuck up and not accepting of those who don’t fit into their cookie-cutter mold.
This next one is from a lengthy review complaining that a church seems “obsessed with porn stars,” and that the pastor is a tad too eager to talk about them during his sermons. Not to be a stickler here or anything, but Jesus did spend a lot of time with prostitutes and winos:
When I go to church, I go to be enlightened and learn how to be more Christ-like. I don’t know what to say, it just felt uncomfortable, hell, it was uncomfortable. There’s a way to get your message across without turning people off, and I think these guys have gotten a bit big for their britches and overcome by another sin, too much personal “pride.” Somehow I don’t think Jesus was cocky and letting his ego run the show. I might be wrong, but I don’t see him running through the streets screaming “I love prostitutes!” and getting defensive when someone questioned him… egads…
I especially like the last sentence of this one. It’s kind of a logic puzzle:
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