Which Piece of Stolen Louvre Jewelry Are You, Based on Your Zodiac Sign

I believe that big cultural moments are better understood through an astrological lens, so here we are.

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Which Piece of Stolen Louvre Jewelry Are You, Based on Your Zodiac Sign

By now, you’ve likely read about the weekend jewel heist at the Louvre in Paris, France. In a robbery that seems fit for an Ocean’s 8 sequelfour burglars used a crane to break into a second-floor window at 9:30 a.m. Sunday and swiped a bunch of French Crown Jewels—all in just four minutes. They escaped with more than $102 million worth of jewelry and tiaras—on two scooters.

But have you thought about which piece represents you, based on your zodiac sign? Probably not! Luckily, I believe that big cultural moments are better understood through an astrological lens, so here we are.

 

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The thieves made off with nine pieces: two tiaras, two necklaces, one set of earrings, one single earring (its mate got left behind), and two “brooches.” The ninth piece was a crown that was recovered on the escape route—so technically, it was only eight pieces that were successfully stolen. There are 12 zodiac signs, meaning three signs are represented by a role in the heist, rather than just a jewel that was heisted. Feel free to guess what sign I am in the comments.


Aries (March 21–April 19): Emerald Necklace and Earrings

As both the baby and the first fire sign of the zodiac, the ram loves to see and be seen. They’re also charming, spirited, a bit over the top, and kind of intimidating—all words I’d used to describe this stunning set, which features 32 emeralds and over 1,000 diamonds. It’s gorgeous, it’s a lot, and you get the sense that it wouldn’t be interested in hanging off the same neck for too long.


Taurus (April 20–May 20): The Sapphire Earring That Was Not Taken

The bull is a dazzling creature of luxurious comfort known for its strength and determination. So a Taurus would be pissed if it was yanked from its soft, pristine showbox, and I’m 99% sure the robber felt those vibes from this earring and decided to leave it alone. That’s really the only way to deal with a Taurus; when you sense they’re ramping up and are readying to put up a fight, just gently back away—you won’t win. They’re also mostly unbothered by things, as long as they’re comfortable, so they’ll be fine with losing their mate.


Gemini (May 21–June 20): Led the Heist

The twins are sharp, quick, and never shut up. I’d fully trust a Gemini to lead an ironclad jewelry heist. But more importantly, if I’m caught red-handed in a million-dollar museum robbery, I want a Gemini there to talk us out of it, because they are literally capable of talking anyone to death. Even more likely is that a Gemini will successfully convince a security guard to let us go while also forming a lifelong friendship in which they eventually ask them to be their kid’s godparent.


Cancer: The Sapphire Earring That Was Taken

The crab is super-sensitive and clingy, so of course, the earring that’s separated from its mate is going to be a Cancer. But they love to be sad, so this gives them something to long for—and a story to tell—for all of eternity. Crabs also obviously love water, and sapphires are blue, so this makes sense.


Leo: The Sapphire Tiara

The lion is represented by the sun, essentially making them the kings and queens of the zodiac. They’re confident, dramatic, and like their fellow fire signs (Aries and Sagittarius), tend to always stand out in a crowd—though Leos are the ones trying the hardest. This towering tiara features 24 Ceylon sapphires—known for their rarity and striking blue shade—and 1,083 diamonds, and was worn by at least two queens, making it the perfect piece for the sign most associated with needing to be the center of attention.


Virgo (August 23–September 22): The Sapphire Necklace 

Sapphire is Virgo’s birthstone, so this one’s a little easy. But also, two of the most famous Virgos are Beyoncé and Keanu Reeves, and I can picture them both draping this around their neck. Virgos don’t necessarily love to be the center of attention, but they always seem to attract it because of their poise, grace, kindness, and apparent ability to excel in everything. So while I would, in no way, describe this necklace as understated, it’s the smartest, most respectable piece of jewelry in this collection of stolen Louvre jewels. It’s not trying to stand out like the sapphire tiara or the emerald necklace, but you can’t help but demand attention when you’re a bunch of giant, stunning sapphires.


Libra (September 23–October 22): The Reliquary Brooch 

Aesthetically, this is the most balanced, even-sided piece, which is pleasing for the sign represented by the scales of justice. The brooch is also considered a reliquary brooch, meaning it was designed to hold a sacred relic—though jewelers have not been able to figure out where this would have been kept. And while the stereotypical Libra—with their deeply analytical minds that are capable of and tortured by seeing every single side of every single side—is the least likely sign to blindly follow any faith, they do love ritual. And I imagine the reliquary brooch would be big into ritual.


Scorpio (October 23–November 21): Empress Eugenie’s Decorative Bow

Much like the scorpion, this bow pin elicits a lot of questions: Why does it have curtain tassels? Why do the diamond strands have little daggers at the bottom? Is it a brooch or is it something else? I sense this piece is harboring a secret; maybe there’s a spirit, or even better, a demon, trapped inside those tassels. I’m intrigued but also…slightly on edge. The Louvre website answers at least one of these questions: this pin is not a pin; it’s a belt buckle. Mysterious! But this answer only leads to 100 more questions (female royalty wore belts in the 19th century?), just like this secretive and alluring sign.


Sagittarius (November 22–December 21): Planned the Escape

The archer loves a good time and, being ruled by Jupiter (the planet of luck), is pretty lucky—even when everything about the situation they’re in points to the contrary. They probably overheard the other three robbers planning the heist and, not wanting to be left out, suggested that scooters would make the most fun getaway vehicle. Then, luckily, they easily escaped with over $100 million in stolen jewels in broad daylight. It would be astrologically impossible to pull off something like this without some major Sagittarius energy.


Capricorn (December 22–January 19): The Crown of Empress Eugénie

The seagoat is the hardest-working, most disciplined, and most ambitious zodiac sign. Oftentimes, they’re also the biggest dick. They would gladly trample their friends and a few loved ones if it meant gaining more power. Whether or not they deserve the crown (usually not), Capricorns think they deserve it. They also respect and aspire to be authority figures, so the eagle feels an appropriate symbol of that.


Aquarius (January 20–February 18): The Robber Who Dropped the Crown of Empress Eugénie

The biggest Aquarius stereotype is that their heads are always in the clouds, so for our purpose here, that’s the stereotype we’ll be exploiting. The water bearer is also deeply innovative and really great at big-picture thinking, so maybe they were the one who first thought up the idea to rob the Louvre. But mostly, they were the one who accidentally dropped the crown while staring up at the sky or out across the Seine. Or they dropped it as part of some political, anti-royal protest that only they knew about. Either way, it was definitely an Aquarius who fucked this part up.


Pisces (February 19–March 20): Tiara of Empress Eugénie

This tiara looks like something a mermaid would wear—perfect for these imaginative and romantic fish. Pisces also love anything dreamy or ethereal, which is also how I’d describe this tiara.


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