When I first heard about Jay Z’s Tidal X concert, I initially had no intentions of going. There was no way I was putting on clothes and leaving my apartment when I could just stream the thing from my bed. And, having already cancelled my Tidal subscription months ago, I had no stake in this operation. I did not believe in this dream. I’d long given up on supporting all the mega-stars who claimed ownership in Jay Z’s streaming service during the Greatest Press Conference of All Time. Then I saw the lineup. Beyoncé. Jay Z. Nicki Minaj. Usher. Prince??? These weren’t just Tidal partners joining together for a one-night extravaganza. This was Jay Z harvesting something much bigger, right under our eyes.
The Tidal concert was at once billed as a showcase of emerging and established artists and as a benefit concert with proceeds going to—wait for it—the New World Foundation. Really, this was a Tidal promotion vehicle (lots of free shirts included). But beneath the veil, it was much more. It was, in fact, an elaborate front for the secret biannual meeting of illuminati members called IT WE. That was my theory. I suspected that the show would serve as a recruitment center for future members. I also had an inkling that Jay Z would be sending special messages through Barclays.
Had I finally cracked the code? Was this my path to a Pulitzer? I needed evidence…so instead of watching the event unfold from home, I felt it was my obligation to go out into the world and investigate the truth. Once the concert kicked off, the accomplice I brought with me remarked, “This is the weirdest show I’ve ever been to.”
Was it the weirdest? Or, in fact—the most powerful?
The jig was up before the main acts even hit the stage, when the French group Indochine performed a song that included these words: something-something “SO DARK,” something-something “COME ON.” Do I even have to explain this? COME ON OVER TO THE (SO) DARK SIDE. There was my first clue. Additional proof materialized throughout the night.
The opening acts performed as if they were competing on a gameshow called 30 Seconds or Less, where they each had to sell themselves in as little time as possible. Only one song for each of them—even for the veritable Nick Jonas, who sang “Levels” while wearing shades to conceal his Illuminati eyes. Of all these blink-and-you-missed it one-offs, Alessia Carter mesmerized the most with her antisocial anthem “Here,” after which the woman next to me whispered, “She’s like a musical Daria. I like it.”
Uh, was I the only one who noticed this obvious Circle of Light?
Exhibit G: Flatbush Zombies appeared in a three-point formation while performing, during which Juice said, excitedly, “This is one of the most important days of my life!” Oh??? Could the most important day of your life mean being indoctrinated into the Illuminati??? He ended their set with, “I got a message for everybody. Open your fucking mind!” My mind, actually, was both open and blown, allowing me to subsequently see that J. Cole’s artist, rapper Bas, and Justine Skye, in a gold getup that kinda looked like a boxer’s costume, were impressive, but fundamentally unserious about joining this exclusive club. Moving on…
I could hardly believe my eyes when Damian Marley came out for “Welcome to Jamrock” (still a banger) and was announced as the newest Tidal partner. Maybe also the latest member of a secret society that only asks for trust??? Was no one else seeing this? I looked around and noted everyone in a daze. Clueless cyborgs.