After several arduous days of rending our eardrums with awful holiday songs, we’ve about reached the end of our journey. That’s right, folks: today’s the day we choose the champion of our December Madness tournament and officially choose The Worst Christmas Song of All Time.
Click above to enlarge, or go here for a printable version of the original bracket.
The semifinals were hard fought and bloody, but in the end, “All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth” and “Wonderful Christmas Time” were no match for the pure unadulterated holiday dingleberries that are “The Christmas Shoes” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” vs. “The Christmas Shoes”
How are you ever going to decide which of these is more of a Yuletide abomination? They’re both so majestically awful that it’s hard to convey how much they suck without veering into a series of bad “These songs are so bad” jokes. But here we go.
These songs are so bad that if they’d existed in the year 0, The Virgin Mary would have miscarried. These songs are so bad that they were too much for even Quincy Jones to handle. These songs are so bad that after Vincent Van Gogh heard them in close proximity to one another, he cut his other ear off. These songs are so bad that they’ve liquified, turned brown, and are ruining all of the other vegetables in the crisper drawer. These songs are so bad that Santa’s considering instituting the death penalty. These songs are so bad that not even Lady Gaga would get in a romance with them. These songs are so bad that when they auditioned for an AMC show about a meth cooking high school teacher, they were deemed “too real” for the role. These songs are so bad that they collaborated on a series of music videos with former rapper Ma$e. They’re so bad that they literally crack your nuts. They’re so bad that they’re why Frosty the Snowman had to hurry on his way.
They’re really, really bad. But we need you to pick which one is worse.