A certain kind of women’s magazine might have you believe that the key to a good hangover cure is to take things out of your body, by detoxing or sweating or puking. But we know that nursing your body back from the brink of death is much more about what you put into it.
New Year’s Eve/Day comes at a weird time for food shopping—if you’ve been traveling like I have, you likely haven’t had a chance to grocery shop, especially because that is your 2016 resolution and it would be weird to start before 2016 officially begins. So, here’s what to do now that you’ve woken up gasping for water at like 11:20 a.m., and all the good Seamless restaurants are closed, using only ingredients that I have in my fridge right now.
The ingredients:
- Apple cider
- Two percent milk
- One carton of Japanese eggplant from a fancy deli
- The worst pieces of watermelon in a watermelon container
- Jar of pickled okra
- Half-empty box of water crackers
- Container of Earth Balance “buttery spread”
- Cottage cheese
- Blueberries
- Opened can of pea soup
- 100 jars of salsa
- One jar expensive paté
- Two bags of shredded “Mexican-style” cheese
- Three old tortillas
- One can of Dr. Pepper
- One unpopped bag of movie theater popcorn
- One opened box of Junior Mints
- Two bags of uncooked rice
Here comes the tough love: you have to pitch like three quarters of this stuff. Those jars of salsa are the culinary equivalent of the gold lamé bandeau you have dutifully brought from high school to college to four apartments in case you ever need it. You’ll never need it. Say goodbye.
Anyway, my personal approach to the hangover meal is water, caffeine, salty, fatty. You need water to stay alive, and you need caffeine to get rid of your headache. I will say that I am often tempted by dairy, but now is not the time. Do not drink a glass of milk now; it will not do what you think it will do.