I’ve Had Enough of Out-of-Touch White Women Thinking Horses Are the Answer 

For some reason, I’ve had white-collar criminals on the mind this week. I’ve thought about how those who commit white-collar crimes—the corrupt individuals who take advantage of systems to further their own privileges—rarely get the comeuppance they deserve. And in fact, if they are lucky, some get to circumnavigate any sort of retribution and become president of the United States of America (*stares into the distance so intensely my brain turns off*).

Perhaps that’s why when I read this innocuous interview in the Guardian with Liz Hurley, the actress and mom a little uncomfortably close to her son, I wanted to Liz Hurl myself out of the window. Hurley was asked what she would do as queen for the day, she responded:

“If I were the real Queen, I’d outlaw air fresheners in cars – they’re all disgusting. I’d pass a law obliging food manufacturers to put large UPF stickers on ultra-processed foods, so we wouldn’t have to spend hours squinting at ingredient lists. I’d ban prison sentences for white-collar criminals and make them give back to the community instead – imagine if Lester Piggott had had to spend years teaching inner-city kids to ride horses. And I’d lock up violent criminals for longer.”

The first part of her answer is innocent enough—air fresheners in cars are the number one culprit for making me nauseous. The UPF answer leans a little too woo-woo/”anti-fluoride in water” for me this week, but I can overlook it. And then there’s the part about white-collar criminals not serving jail time and instead teaching kids to ride horses. 

Lester Piggot was a professional jockey accused of tax fraud so it does make sense that his community service assignment would be to teach kids how to ride horses, but that being said, I have had ENOUGH of out-of-touch white ladies thinking horses are the answer to systemic problems. I also don’t want sleazes and cheats trying to pass off their knowledge and skills to impressionable children. If Trump hadn’t won on Tuesday, would we have wanted him to teach inner-city kids how to deny their own families housing? No!

While I like to lean towards the idea of prison abolition, if there’s anyone I want to be locked up, it’s someone who conned folks out of hard-earned money through a Ponzi scheme. Sorry! This week especially. Remember Monday? (Were we ever so young and naive???) When that Trump story with the world’s most perfect conclusion went viral: “[Trump is]  realizing that he could lose the election, go to prison, and maybe die there.” I truly had my heart set on the (now) impossible…

And then there’s Hurley’s kicker saying she wants to lock up violent criminals for longer…. Look I know I’m tearing into a quote from a woman whose best role is playing a fembot in Austin Powers in 1999, but this mindset just infuriates me and actually does make me double down on the desire for prison abolition (I’m all over the place this week!).

Maybe I’m taking my frustrations with the U.S. out on Hurley, but then again, maybe it’s time to be vocal when I read things this stupid. And a white woman thinking a white-collar criminal should work with kids instead of a more fitting punishment, and that horses possess some innate healing power, are two of the stupider things I’ve read this week and yes, I did read an article about Trump miming fellatio on a microphone.