This Post About Daylight Savings Time Is Longer Than Us Weekly’s Post About Daylight Savings Time

By Bobby Finger  |  October 25, 2016 | 8:20pm
Latest

On Tuesday, October 25, 2016, the US-based entertainment website Us Weekly published a story called “When Is Daylight Savings Time 2016?” After seeing a tweet promoting the story appear in my Twitter feed (I’ve followed Us Weekly on the social platform for some time), I clicked the post and learned two important things:

  1. Us Weekly thinks we’re approaching the beginning of daylight savings time, when we are in fact approaching its end.
  2. Us Weekly used 261 words to write about the beginning of daylight savings time, not knowing that it was actually writing about the beginning of Standard Time.

The story began with an introduction to the concept of daylight savings time (again, they meant to talk about standard time), and a playful acknowledgment that the yearly clock-change can be confusing to many of the hundreds of millions of people it affects each and every year. (Including Us Weekly, which I covered above.)

Get ready to fall back — and have a sunnier morning commute! Daylight Savings Time 2016 is quickly approaching, which means it’s that confusing time of year again when everyone scrambles to remember whether they have to turn their clocks forward or backward.

It isn’t until the next paragraph that Us Weekly decides to make the big reveal (again, they confused daylight savings time with standard time) writing:

This year, the clocks fall back an hour on Sunday, November 6, meaning everyone gets a much-needed extra 60 minutes of sleep when 2 a.m. becomes 1 a.m.

In a smart move (not to mention a helpful one), the post then answers a follow-up question before their readers even have time to ask!

(And don’t take that additional slumber for granted, because you’ll lose it when Standard Time returns on March 12, 2017!)

So now we’ve been told, after 90 words, that daylight savings time (just wanna keep reminding you that they mean standard time here) will begin on Sunday, November 6, 2016, and end on Sunday, March 12, 2017. 126 days! That’s a big number, but not nearly as big as the number of words left in this Us Weekly article, which is 171.

Their next paragraph tackles the subject of safety, which has long been one of the five pillars of Us Weekly’s brand. (The other four being Gossip, Trivia, Bags, and Kaley Cuoco.)

As always, daylight savings time is a good time to remember to swap the batteries in your family’s smoke and carbon monoxide detectors for fresh ones. You know, because safety first.

121 words in, 140 to go! The next paragraph acts as a reminder to readers who won’t be affected by the switch to daylight savings time (FYI it’s still standard time). Yes, I’m talking about you, Arizona, Hawaii and several overseas territories, including Puerto Rico, the United States Virgin Islands, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands and American Samoa!

Another friendly reminder: Most areas of the United States observe DST, except for Arizona, Hawaii and several overseas territories, including Puerto Rico, the United States Virgin Islands, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands and American Samoa.

After 156 helpful words, one might think Us Weekly is finished with the subject. One might also be dead-ass wrong, because they’re about to give your future self some suggestions for how to spend the luxurious hour all US residents will be given on Sunday, November 6, 2016. Well, all US residents apart from those who live in Arizona, Hawaii and several overseas territories, including Puerto Rico, the United States Virgin Islands, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands and American Samoa.

Wondering how to spend your bonus hour on November 6? The easiest answer is to take full advantage of Sunday morning and stay in bed a bit longer — rewatch your favorite episode of Friends on Netflix, or spend a few extra minutes catching up on Chrissy Teigen’s latest Twitter rant (you won’t regret it, we promise).
And if you’re not the lazy type, head to your local bagel store and treat yourself to a breakfast sandwich and a grande non-fat, extra foam, three-shot pumpkin spice latte.

Damn! Those are some great ideas, and they’ve inspired me to suggest a few more.

  • Why not take a long, luxurious bath instead of a shower?
  • Why not swish with Listerine for 60 minutes instead of 60 seconds?
  • Why not watch the David S. Pumpkins sketch 10 times in a row instead of just once?
  • Why not spend an hour looking through the Instagram account of a stranger who appeared on Instagram Explore and comment “<3 Nice pic!” on all their photos instead of just checking your likes and comments?
  • Why not cook scrambled eggs that super slow way Gordon Ramsay says you should instead of that bullshit plebeian way you’ve made them your whole life?
  • Why not sit at Starbucks for an hour and carve a tally mark into one of their tables with a pocket knife every time someone orders a pumpkin spice latte, then carve “THE PSL WATCHER IS WATCHING” underneath it instead of just ordering a pumpkin spice latte and leaving when it’s ready?
  • Why not make a bagel from scratch, buy a plane ticket to Philadelphia, bring the bagel as your personal item, and top it with fresh cream cheese from the Philadelphia cream cheese factory instead of ordering a bagel with cream cheese from the bodega?
  • Why not take an hour drinking your morning coffee because you said, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” between every sip instead of chugging it so you’re not late to work?
  • Speaking of work, why not crawl there?

Wow, there are so many ways to spend the hour you’ll get on Sunday, November 16, 2016, aren’t there? Which brings me to Us Weekly’s final paragraph on the matter, which is just one final reminder.

Whatever you do: Don’t forget to turn back the clocks at or before 2 a.m. on Sunday, November 6!

And with that, I have now spent 1000 words (including the quoted words of Us Weekly) writing about daylight savings time/standard time, which is 739 words more than Us Weekly spent while incorrectly labeling the upcoming time change that is set to occur on Sunday, November 6, 2016.

 
Join the discussion...