From the moment the first Cats trailer was released, I was obsessed. I always thought I didn’t like musicals, but Cats awakened something in me. I can only chalk it up to a combination of two things: a stacked, A-list cast and their disgusting little CGI cat bodies complete with human hands.
I watched this recording of the Rum Tug Tugger song on private browsing about a hundred times in awe, in hopes of understanding the source material more. Was this what the whole musical was like? They just sing about being cats?
I realized while watching the film that not much of Cats as a concept made sense. It’s hard to understand the plot when everything is shown through song, so my interpretation of their lives might be incorrect, but it doesn’t really matter. Through song, the cats known as Jellicle Cats have to convince an old cat (Old Deuteronomy, played by Judi Dench) to let them die and live a better life. The audiences see this all through the experience of Victoria (Francesca Hayward), a new cat who is abandoned in an alleyway.
But which cat really deserves to die? If it were up to me, every single one of them would be dead. They’re all repulsive. But in the world of Cats, death isn’t a punishment. It’s a reward given to the saddest cat of them all. Which cat really deserves to go to the “Heavyside Layer,” which means death? Is it the innocent Victoria? The busty Bombalurina? Or the possible trafficking victim Grizabella?
I swear to God, this was longer than the 3.5 hours I spent sitting in a theater watching The Irishman. Nobody can convince me otherwise. Spoilers ahead.
Francesca Hayward as Victoria
Our introduction to Victoria is when her owner drops her off in an alleyway. She’s writhing around in a sack. Once the cat’s literally out of the bag, we follow her throughout the movie as she arrives on the night of the Jellicle Ball, when Old Deuteronomy (Old Deut, as she is lovingly called) picks one of them to have a better life. Technically, Victoria is not a contender, as she is not a Jellicle cat, but her kind nature makes it seem like she has a real shot at going to heaven.
Does she deserve to die: Absolutely not. She just got there! These cats have spent all year waiting for this. This bitch can wait.
James Corden as Bustopher Jones
James Corden’s enduring fame baffles me, but that’s not really the point of this. At first, it seems like Bustopher’s only defining characteristic is that he loves to eat and is fat. But as his song continues, you realize he’s the life of the party who is really good at finding trash to eat and sharing the trash with all his buds.
Does he deserve to die: No! Maybe if he was a bit more sad and less generous.
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