Dear Jane,
On New Year’s Eve, I got drunk and came out to my mom. It was a mess – I didn’t know how to tell her that I’m bi and that, right now, I honestly would prefer to be in a relationship with a woman. I ended up crying and saying that I’m “kind of gay.” She was not thrilled. She said that I’m in a phase, then listed some of my female friends and asked if it was because of them. Then, she told me she didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t want to cause a scene, so I didn’t. She didn’t tell my dad.
She visited me a few months ago and saw that I had a book about coming out. She told me that she’d prefer if I threw it out, in case my dad ever found it. I told her no, and not to worry about it. Recently, when visiting her, I was talking about getting a female friend a gift for her birthday and she said, “What? Is she your girlfriend now?”
I haven’t told my dad because I’m scared of his reaction/him. A few days ago though, he was telling me about how upset he got from reading a story about a young gay man who killed himself because his family disowned him after he came out.
For reference, my parents are liberal democrats, but expect their kids to be “normal,” (?) I guess. Our family has a weird dynamic – my brother and I were physically abused as kids, and I was abused into adulthood until I moved out last year (I’m in my early 20s now). Weirdly, we’re all still pretty close (probably because my parents still scare and control my brother and me). Family is important to all of us, and as fucked up as our relationship is, I don’t want to be disowned.
Whenever I think about it I want to throw up. I want my family to accept me! But after my mom’s reaction, I’m don’t want to revisit the topic.
I guess my question is: can I just stay in the closet until my parents die?
Waiting for abusive assholes to die is a wonderful solution to many problems, but not this one. In doing so, you’ll be neglecting your immediate needs. Have you been to therapy about all of this? It seems like a therapist specializing in PTSD would be a good move for you. You’ve been terrorized your entire life and you’re operating from a place of fear. That is no good for anyone, including whoever you decide to date, you know? If you don’t deal with this directly, you’ll continue beating yourself up and you’ll drag it into your relationships for years to come. You deserve better; do it for the little girl inside you.
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