More Bad News: Tech Bros Are Sperm Racing

The website for Sperm Racing (the company) is fairly sparse—so it’s hard to suss out whether this is merely a viral marketing stunt. There is, however, a manifesto (tragically, the geniuses behind Sperm Racing did not call it their MANifesto), which says that, more than producing live sperm events, the company is really worried that “male fertility is declining” and claims “nobody’s really talking about it.”

Insert an aggressive—if predictable—eyeroll. Let’s start with the claim that nobody is talking about declining male fertility. Going back a couple of decades, does anyone else remember the rumor that Mountain Dew would lower sperm counts? Because I have a distinct memory of being on the bus home from my Catholic elementary school and hearing an 11-year-old boy express genuine fear of Mountain Dew, lest his prepubescent fertility be impacted. I bring this up to illustrate how fears about male fertility have been occupying public discourse (whether that’s the playground or the silver screen) for decades. Today, content creators in the extended MAHA/Joe Rogan universe go crazy for this topic; Tucker Carlson produced an entire series about it titled The End of Men. The company’s claim that no one’s talking about this actually reads more like a wish of mine, because there’s no shortage of attention paid to this.

To be clear, male fertility does actually seem to be declining—and the fine gentlemen at Sperm Racing will sell you some Sperm Worms (gummy worms that allegedly improve male fertility… that they, for whatever reason, did not call Sperm Werms) to address it. Lurking at the bottom of the page is a reminder that none of this is FDA-approved. 

It seems that Sperm Racing may also be soon offering an additional product (or service? I’m not sure how you’d classify this). If you click “Race From Home,” a pop-up asking for your email promises to let you know when that option becomes available. At-home sperm analysis already exists, but no one’s yet tapped into Tucker Carlson-tinged panic as a marketing strategy. The companies that currently do it are called things like Bird & Be and Cryochoice and come in boxes with muted colors, with marketing copy directed at people who are explicitly interested in making a baby. Sperm Racing, on the other hand, seems concerned with sperm health for no other reason than sperm = man (and man need fast sperm).

And if you’re like, OK they raised $10 million! There must be a there there, I beg you to consider the state of start-ups in 2025. The investors include, according to their Instagram announcement, an EDM producer and a German soccer player. Maybe these guys see something I don’t, but I think the more likely situation is: They’re young idiots with too much money and a need to throw it at masculinity-affirming endeavors. Because there is absolutely nothing that this company has to offer beyond capitalizing on a demented right-wing panic designed to scare men.

Obviously, the mental illness of capitalism isn’t the fault of the sperm jockeys, but Sperm Racing highlights the pernicious nature of venture capital; from concept to execution to marketing, this idea makes absolutely no sense. And yet rich people are barfing cash its way in the hopes that these people can perform modern alchemy and turn nothing into gold. 

So, while women are fighting for basic reproductive rights and bodily autonomy, Silicon Valley is literally investing in guys who want their cum to race. I’d call it a terrible prequel to Handmaid’s Tale but I doubt Margaret Atwood could have imagined something so excruciatingly dumb.

And she would never miss the chance at calling them Sperm Werms.

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