Even the most socially skilled among us screw up from time to time. But apologizing can be a minefield of its own. Here’s how to smooth ruffled feathers — and when to stand your ground.
A lot of us are familiar with crappy apologies — “I’m sorry you’re mad,” “I’m sorry you feel that way,” etc. But apologizing in a way that actually makes the situation better can be really tough. You’re often reeling from shame, panicking about having offended someone — and, deep down, beginning to make excuses for yourself. Nobody likes to be wrong, and the temptation to explain how it really wasn’t your fault can be pretty strong. However, trying to excuse or explain away whatever you did can be the exact wrong approach. Here’s what actually works:
Think about it.
I talked to Kathryn Schulz, author of Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error, who says, “There’s no way anyone’s going to deliver an effective apology to someone else unless and until they themselves have had a sincere reckoning with the mistake, and that’s tough because really often we’re called upon to apologize at the same moment that we ourselves have realized the mistake.” She has a good point — often we don’t know we’ve screwed up until someone else points it out, and we end up dealing with our own feelings about the misstep and trying to apologize to another person at the same time. But if there’s any way you can decouple those two things, it’s a good idea to do so.
Storytime: the Jezebel staff gets a lot of criticism from around the Internet, and my initial reaction is often to get mad right back. I think it’s a knee-jerk response from childhood: Hey! I didn’t do it! I’m the good kid! It was my brother! Mom!!! But just like in childhood, this response isn’t terribly helpful, and I’ve noticed that if I sit for a minute with an angry email or comment or response, I’ll often discover that I have in fact missed an important aspect of an issue, or neglected to consider an alternate view. I don’t issue a formal apology every time that happens (I’d probably spend my entire workday apologizing), but I do take it into account and try to do better in the future.
There’s not always time for extended reflection when someone calls you out — but often, you can check yourself and avoid just spewing the first thing that comes to your mind. It sounds corny, but if you can take a second to think about what the other person’s objection can teach you, you’ll be more likely to respond in a way that makes things better, not worse. Also, I’ve found that when I do this I actually feel better, because the whole encounter becomes less about me being a horrible person and more about how I can improve.
Start with a simple, “I’m sorry.”
Lauren Bloom, business ethics expert and author of The Art of the Apology, told me,
Saying anything other than “I’m sorry” or maybe “I apologize” is going to be less effective. We’ve already heard the “we regret any inconvenience” statements that we hear from companies. That’s not an apology.
So don’t fuck around with caveats and excuses and euphemisms. A sincere, unqualified “I’m sorry” is really rare — and surprisingly powerful. Two words. Easy.
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