Today, OK! Magazine is giving us an “insider report” that Calvin Harris—Scotsman, EDM prince and current Taylor Swift paramour—“doesn’t want to join the ranks of Swift refugee boyfriends who’ve been humiliated by one of her revenge songs.” Reportedly, Harris thinks she “demeans” herself by writing about her past relationships. “He thinks she’s an incredible musician who should use her intellect and channel positive energy into her song-writing, versus mundane lyrics about boys,” the story adds.
First of all, admittedly, this is essentially hypothetical. Second, what do we think 2008 Taylor Swift would say to 2008 Calvin Harris—not just about this hypothetical idea, but at all?
“Can you throw this away for me?” or “Wait, are you the guy who opened for Groove Armada?” or maybe “I loved ‘Merrymaking At My Place.’ So funny running into you at this airport—bye!”
My teenage self was much more loyal to Calvin Harris, disco Scot, than Taylor Swift, heartbreak superstar, and the man sure knows how to put on a festie set. However, I must say, this is a rude hypothetical statement from Calvin Harris, and I will make a rude hypothetical statement in return: Calvin Harris would be so lucky as to get a Taylor Swift track about him.
It’s still, I guess, a bit of a thing that women writing about failed relationships often come off petty, or at the very least, like they’re “getting personal”—while men writing about failed relationships (with a few notable exceptions) come off different, somehow above. The Marriage Plot was just as chickish, if not more so, than any of these books; “Cry Me a River” is no less personal than “You Oughta Know.” But all of that’s beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that a Taylor Swift breakup track about Calvin Harris—aside from using more “intellect” than a naysayer would suspect—would also be good. Taylor is a better composer than she is a lyricist, but her “mundane lyrics about boys” far surpass their Calvin Harris equivalent.
Let’s compare the two, to illustrate. Here’s Taylor on attraction:
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