Lara Trump, Bad Singer, Is Being Called Trump’s New Right-Hand Woman

If the first Trump administration proved anything, it’s that every oligarch needs a spray-tanned, barrel-curled, and jumpsuitted white woman by his side to justify his messes—from garden variety corruption to a Diet Coke stain on the ivory couch in the Oval Office. From the observation of many over the last 24 hours, it seems like, this administration around, that distinct honor has fallen on a certain daughter-in-law of President-elect Donald Trump. Much to Kimberly Gargoyle’s chagrin, it’s not her.

Lara Trump, wife of Trump’s second eldest son, Eric (the mouth breather), has emerged victorious in the race to become Trumps’ next blonde ornament in the White House. After the departure of Ivanka Trump (the daughter Trump wants to fuck) earlier this year, the bad singer, former television producer, and current Republican National Convention co-chair and cable news talking head, has subsumed her role. First, it was as campaign surrogate, and now…well, if her constant presence over Trump’s shoulder these last several months is any indication, it’s probably going to be pretty substantive. The media, too, has taken notice of Mrs. Trump’s arrival. Scores of outlets have anointed her Trump’s “right hand woman” and even months ago, the BBC speculated on her “meteoric rise.”