Lara Trump, Bad Singer, Is Being Called Trump’s New Right-Hand Woman

If the first Trump administration proved anything, it’s that every oligarch needs a spray-tanned, barrel-curled, and jumpsuitted white woman by his side to justify his messes—from garden variety corruption to a Diet Coke stain on the ivory couch in the Oval Office. From the observation of many over the last 24 hours, it seems like, this administration around, that distinct honor has fallen on a certain daughter-in-law of President-elect Donald Trump. Much to Kimberly Gargoyle’s chagrin, it’s not her.

Lara Trump, wife of Trump’s second eldest son, Eric (the mouth breather), has emerged victorious in the race to become Trumps’ next blonde ornament in the White House. After the departure of Ivanka Trump (the daughter Trump wants to fuck) earlier this year, the bad singer, former television producer, and current Republican National Convention co-chair and cable news talking head, has subsumed her role. First, it was as campaign surrogate, and now…well, if her constant presence over Trump’s shoulder these last several months is any indication, it’s probably going to be pretty substantive. The media, too, has taken notice of Mrs. Trump’s arrival. Scores of outlets have anointed her Trump’s “right hand woman” and even months ago, the BBC speculated on her “meteoric rise.”

Not only was Lara by Trump’s side as the campaign came to a close Tuesday night, but she was onstage with him for his victory speech. She also spent the better part of the campaign cycle leading the “Women For Trump” charge, humanizing his every move on Fox News daily, penning songs for first responders, and in July, delivering an emphatic speech at the RNC.

Content aside, she’s articulate, conventionally attractive, and, by the looks of it, just self-hating enough to devote her life to defending a fascist, rapist, misogynist, racist, and felon. Hell, she might even be more powerful than Ivanka. She at least had shame enough to temporarily disappear. As did Hope Hicks, another predecessor. Or, Alyssa Farah Griffin, who just revealed she voted for a Democrat (Vice President Kamala Harris) for the first time in her life.

As the votes were counted on Tuesday, Eric posted a dedication to his wife on Twitter, writing: “You put your heart and soul into the job and proved them all wrong.” Who “them” is, is beyond me but, sure! Against all odds, another rich white woman won.

All I’m saying is, just prepare yourself now. We’ll probably be seeing (and hearing) a lot more from Lara for the next four years.