Nikki Haley, Ron DeSantis, & Marco Rubio Perform Self-Flagellation at RNC Night 2

All three rising GOP stars once suggested Donald Trump was an existential threat to the nation. And all three competed to see who could kiss Trump’s ass the hardest on Tuesday.

By Kylie Cheung  |  July 17, 2024 | 12:20pm
Photos: Getty Images Politics
Nikki Haley, Ron DeSantis, & Marco Rubio Perform Self-Flagellation at RNC Night 2

There’s very little to smile about these days, least of all at the Republican National Convention, which is little more than a racist sausage party dancing on the grave of Roe v. Wade. But I simply had to laugh at the events of night two, specifically the speeches from Nikki Haley, Ron DeSantis, and Marco Rubio.

All three once-rising GOP stars previously vied for the nomination against Donald Trump, and all suggested, in their own words, that he posed a grave threat to the nation. Fast forward to Tuesday, which saw all three essentially compete to see who could kiss Trump’s ass the hardest on stage at the RNC.

I’ll start with Haley, who served as U.N. ambassador under the Trump administration, only to go so far as to suggest he needs a cognitive exam and was too old to serve as president while campaigning against him this year. “I’ll start by making one thing perfectly clear: Donald Trump has my strong endorsement, period,” Haley said Tuesday night. Of course, in February, she said, and I quote: “I feel no need to kiss the ring.” Last week, Haley released all of the delegates she won during the primary to cast their votes for Trump.

“There are some Americans who don’t agree with Donald Trump 100% of the time,” she continued. “My message to them is simple: You don’t have to agree with Trump 100% of the time to vote for him.” Sure, you can disagree on the small things, but mind you, Haley has called Trump “diminished” and “unhinged.” Trump, in turn, has stooped to racist dog whistles, calling Haley by her birth name in a fairly obvious play to unleash his racist base on her, and even mocking her for her husband’s absence while he serves in the National Guard overseas. Ah well, nevertheless!

DeSantis’ turn to bend the knee was somehow even funnier. After all, Trump was unsparing in his mockery of the Florida governor from day one. Last year, Trump recreated DeSantis’ disastrous Twitter Spaces presidential launch via AI, and depicted DeSantis alongside gay Satan (?) and Hitler. At the end of the clip, we hear an AI-generated Trump declare, “Ron DeSanctimonious can kiss my big, beautiful 2024 presidential ass. Trump 2024, baby!” The bullying didn’t soften from there; Trump and his surrogates spent the rest of the campaign trail mocking everything from DeSantis’ height and possibly his dick size, to the rest of his quirks, ultimately decimating not just DeSantis’ presidential bid but perhaps his entire standing and political future in the Republican Party. I mean, come on: At one point, Trump allegedly weighed calling DeSantis “Tiny D.” Try as he might—and he tried!—DeSantis was simply incapable of fighting back.

That brings us again to Tuesday night. DeSantis offered remarks all but canonizing his schoolyard bully as a biblical martyr: “Donald Trump has been demonized. He’s been sued, he’s been prosecuted, and he nearly lost his life,” DeSantis said. “We cannot let him down, and we cannot let America down.” At one point, his voice cracked like a prepubescent schoolboy when he said of Democrats, “They can’t even define what a woman is!” I found myself almost waiting for Trump to jump in and mock him, but alas, “unity!” or whatever.

DeSantis isn’t the only Florida man whom Trump has subjected to repeated, very public swirlies. There’s also Rubio, who’s probably better known to Trump supporters as “Little Marco,” Trump’s favorite punching bag from the 2016 campaign trail. Trump had a penchant—nay, a gift, really—for performing an uncannily accurate, oafish impression of Rubio at his campaign rallies, zeroing in on the weird way Rubio would drink water at debates and other public appearances. Rubio bent the knee nevertheless, and this year, he was reportedly a finalist in the Trump veepstakes. Trump openly teased Rubio with the prospect of being his running-mate at campaign stops in Florida—only to hand off the position instead to a millennial shitposter who once called Trump “Hitler.”

On Tuesday night, Rubio offered only glowing praise of the man who emasculated him before the nation. “By giving voice to every day Americans, President Trump has not just changed our party—he has inspired a movement,” he said. Rubio even managed to throw a kind, submissive word to the younger man who beat him out as veep-nominee: “As the life story of our next vice president J.D. Vance reminds us, we are all descendants of ordinary people who achieved extraordinary things.”

Sure, times are bleak, especially as poll after poll advantages the utterly ghoulish Trump-Vance ticket and we stare down the prospect of losing what minuscule, basic rights remain to us. But I take some comfort in laughing at the little things—specifically, “Little Marco,” “Tiny D,” and Nikki Haley humiliating themselves on the RNC stage.

 
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