A Review of Avengers: Infinity War (and Its Million Superheroes) From an Avengers Novice
EntertainmentMoviesThis review contains spoilers. Not as many as you’d think, however, because I’m still not entirely sure what just happened?
As someone who spends most of their waking hours, professionally and otherwise, considering and/or writing about considering music, I can tell you with the ultimate authority: the only thing super about supergroups is found in the fact that a lot of totally talented people forced to collaborate in ways outside of their routine usually makes for diluted crap, nonsense where genius/stubborn artists butt heads with other genius/stubborn artists for a record, or song, whatever, that sells well but is ultimately forgettable and usually, just, like, terrible. (This proves my point.) I’d assume that’s how the general public would react to Avengers: Infinity War, but apparently I am wrong because it just had the biggest opening weekend of any flick, ever, and there are, like, 90,000 superheroes in it—most, I assume, who’ve had their own movies in the Marvel Cinematic Universe prior to this film. (Relatedly: I just learned MCU does not stand for Municipal Credit Union for a large chunk of the population.)
I assume this because I am a person in the world, and could’ve sworn there was already an Avengers film. As it turns out, this is somehow the fifth. I also assume this because Infinity War was either full of glaring plot holes or it presumed you and I, dear reader, have seen all 800 movies in the MCU, have a deep understanding of their chronology and perhaps even possess the ability to identify all 90 million superheroes in it. You don’t even need to see this damn blockbuster to feel overwhelmed by that—look at the poster above. Who are those people? It’s like looking at my damn Facebook feed, if Scarlett Johansson and I went to NYU together.
Infinity War begins with a war scene (duh, dummy), a bunch of alien corpses and a guy who looked like Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants and is soon insulted as such by Robert Downey Jr., who is Iron Man, but also a man who used to get fucked up with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kim Richards in real life, which immediately distracts me into thinking about what would happen it Richards married Iron Man. Squidward says some prayer to the dead about the dead and the entire thing is very cultish. The god, in this case, is a giant Purple dude named Thanos (who is latter called “Grimace,” like the McDonalds character, by Chris Pratt, who plays a guy with mutton chops and questionable taste in music. No one in my theater laughed at the reference, either because they missed it or I’m 100 years old.)