Armie Hammer Has a Podcast Now

“I’m not going to lie, I kind of like the cannibal stuff now," Hammer joked in the first episode. "I’m just like, ‘Hey, I’m a cannibal.'"

By Audra Heinrichs | October 29, 2024 | 1:42pm

Photo: Getty Images Celebrities Notable/Quotable,

On Monday, Armie Hammer launched what I suspect is his latest money-making scheme—and really, an inevitability for any middling white man: a podcast, very originally entitled, The Armie HammerTime Podcast. Joined by Tom Arnold (fresh off a restraining order from his ex-wife), the actor-cum-timeshare salesman-cum-host tackled everything from returning to the spotlight and “putting his life back together” post-sexual assault, abuse, and cannibalism allegations, to what prompted his latest venture.

“I’m not going to lie, I kind of like the cannibal stuff now,” Hammer joked to Arnold in the podcast’s first episode. “I’m just like, ‘Hey, I’m a cannibal.'” Cool! Normal!

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In case you memory-holed the scores of accusations made against Hammer, in 2020 and 2021 multiple women who dated the actor not only claimed he had violently sexually assaulted them but revealed multiple bizarre text messages from Hammer—many of which see him referring to himself as a cannibal. One ex-girlfriend, for instance, said he told her that “he wants to break my rib and barbecue and eat it.” At the time, Hammer denied the accusations and the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office never pressed charges following an investigation.

According to Hammer, it was all blown out of proportion and we should just giggle at it.

“What makes more noise? ‘Armie Hammer is a cannibal’ or ‘Armie Hammer might not be a cannibal,’” Hammer asked during the episode. “You don’t get an apology tour in this world. Someone says something about you, everyone believes it and then they move on with their lives.” No, you certainly don’t get an apology tour in this world. But if you’re a man who’s been accused of truly heinous things, you can definitely demand one via any number of rehabilitative projects. Just ask Johnny Depp!

Hammer has spent the last year inching back into public life. In November of 2023, he made a bizarre return to Instagram with a candid of himself lifting weights in what looked to be an unfinished basement. Then, over the summer, he told a podcast, aptly titled Painful Lessons, that he was not only “grateful” for all those pesky cannibalism accusations, but credited them for helping his self-esteem issues.

“I’m actually now at a place where I’m really grateful for it because where I was in my life before all of that stuff happened to me, I didn’t feel good,” Hammer said. “I never felt satisfied, I never had enough, I never was in a place where I was happy with myself…where I had self-esteem.”

Now that he has self-esteem, he’ll be conducting hour-long interviews with guests who “know one thing that you don’t.” The purpose? Teaching us “what that thing is.” Talented! Brilliant! Incredible! Show-stopping! Spectacular! Never the same!

“I want to have long-form, interesting conversations with people who have tools or skills or have acquired wisdom or even just know random shit that I don’t know [and] I want to learn,” Hammer said in an announcement on Instagram. Perhaps someone can teach him not to be *an alleged* predator?

“Some of you are going to love this and some of you are going to fucking hate it,” Hammer said. Exactly who will love it? Unclear! But hey, at least he’s aware of the latter.

I simply can’t wait to see who the next guest is in his sad, stark little studio. Shia LaBeouf? Mel Gibson? In Hollywood, the options are endless.