On Wednesday, June 3, the feature length version of HBO’s Entourage was unleashed on America’s movie theaters like the cinematic equivalent of a venereal disease (hyped, preventable, and the uncomfortable manifestation of an activity—in this case, watching a weekly half hour sitcom about Hollywood dickwads—that you once thought was simple fun).
To mark the occasion, two intrepid Jezebel writers—Clover Hope and Madeleine Davies—ventured out to watch Entourage in separate theaters on opening weekend. These are their thoughts on the experience.
Clover: So I came into this Entourage movie experience having watched the entire series, mostly because my longtime boyfriend at the time was a huge fan so we used to watch it together. I will say the show was fun at first and then it kinda became the same thing over and over to the point that every episode was essentially the same—Vince and his bros try to make a movie and they fail royally, with some celebrity cameos. So I fully expected this movie to suck and…it did. The whole thing was just weirdly meta and they made a lot of inside jokes like hehe Entourage. Like, the running joke of Turtle being a successful entrepreneur. It seemed somewhat aware of its awfulness? Were you cringing through it too?
Madeleine: I was both cringing and constantly apologizing to the friend I dragged along with me. Like you, I watched the show when it first premiered and found it dumb and fun, but, by the end, all too repetitive. You can only hear “VINNY’S MAKING THE MOVIE!” and have it all work out after a series of predictable pratfalls so many times before you start rooting for them to fail, you know?
I’m not sure if the movie was self-aware (although I did find it funny that its boring and creatively empty plot hinges around Vince directing his first movie and having too much artistic integrity to change his vision to fit the expectations of the film’s bankroller). The whole thing was just so cynical. The women of Entourage, while never treated well by the show, are basically degraded to dick docking stations and the men aren’t treated that much better! If I was a guy, I would be actively offended that this is the way that Hollywood is trying to get my money. I mean, of the five main dudes (all vapid and shitty in their own way), TURTLE is the most relatable and likable. In what horrible world does that happen?
Clover: Haha! Turtle as the least gross is definitely a sign. There was a lot of gratuitous grossness, especially with Johnny Drama. They really, really played up his pussy obsession so much, it was just sad and unfunny. This couple that came in half an hour before the movie ended for whatever reason was cracking up at all the Johnny moments. I just blank-stared at the back of their heads at one point. It was hard to even be happy for Johnny at the end when he’s redeemed and finally gets his shining moment.
Madeleine: I was also seated next to a couple who LOVED the movie (when Lloyd first appeared on screen, they pointed and delightedly shouted “ASIAN” and “LLOYD” simultaneously). And you’re so right about the Johnny Drama pussy thing. There really seems to be a specific anatomy to an Entourage scene because every single one was basically:
- Vince tells Ari he wants to do something crazy.
- Ari gets mad.
- E shrugs.
- Someone makes a joke about Turtle being fat.
- Drama says something about pussy.
- Scene ends.
Clover: We also have to talk about Haley Joel Osment because… I couldn’t deal with him. The character itself physically revolted me. Maybe it was the dumb accent (sorry) and he’s obviously supposed to be the biggest asshole, but it freaked me out, especially the hotel threesome scene. I whispered “stop.” The best part of the whole thing was Vince’s Mentos commercial.
Madeleine: Yes! Haley Joel Osment—playing the son of the Texas billionaire (Billy Bob Thornton) who’s funding Vince’s movie—was repellent. The scene you’re talking about, when Ari walks in on him—THE LITTLE BOY FROM THE SIXTH SENSE—with two porn stars who are going down on each other (and who don’t stop going down on each other as a conversation happens around them) was where I had absolutely had it. If I wasn’t seeing it for work, I would have walked out.