Patrick's 24-Hour Product Diary: Confessions Of A Blog Doofus

By Patrick Redford | November 2, 2018 | 7:00pm

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The sun rises. The fog burns away. The sun sets. The fog rolls back in off the Pacific. The sun rises again. And still I blog.

In the four years since I graduated from college with a dumb degree in rock science, I have only ever worked from home, writing about sports, mostly for Deadspin. The Blogger’s Way dictates that one practice the sacred art of posting cantankerous articles about, like, the ocean in pure, complete isolation, honoring the creative process of yukking it up on the internet all day by forgoing human connection, and blogging alone. If this sounds preposterous, well, it is, but this is my job and I love it.

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All of which is to say, I don’t have to get dressed or gussied up for work, which means that, usually, I don’t. I am writing to you write now wearing some pajama pants, which I will probably keep on until at least after lunch. Sometimes, I will wear them until I leave the house for the first time around 6 p.m. I don’t have a parking permit for my car, because the city of San Francisco requires one to jump through a labyrinthine series of hoops, so I had to make sure my pajamas are fashionable enough to go outside and rub chalk off my tires every two hours to stave off that inevitable first parking ticket. A wiser man than I would just get the permit or park somewhere else, but I am not a wiser man, and so here I am.

Lexi’s alarm usually goes off around 7:30, at which time I will drink a shitload of water. The primary guiding principle of my skincare and general health is that one cannot drink enough water. I internalized the lessons from this blog Rich wrote a few years ago, and if I don’t drink at least four liters a day, I will panic and become convinced that my organs are shutting down and also that my face will crack like an old painting. Conversely, I am also convinced that a constant supply of water will keep me from ever getting sick, or having skin issues. I’ll have exactly one cup of coffee in the morning as well, since I used to have a crippling caffeine addiction which I fear will return if I have more than one. When it’s time to brush my teeth, I use Tom’s because it was on sale at Target.

It’s time to talk about my hair. I am one of those dreaded California pieces of shit who doesn’t use shampoo. The last time I put shampoo in my hair was August 2013, and since then, I’ve only ever used water. They say that if you stop shampooing, your hair gets all greasy and shit for a week or two before your body regulates and stops sending oil to your head or whatever and it starts to feel normal. I’m blessed with hair that doesn’t need to be blasted all to hell with products and such, so I don’t use anything, and my hair is fine. Some may call this practice “minimalist” or “insane” or “based on pseudoscience with no basis in fact,” but truly I don’t care. I suppose this paragraph needs something in bold, so let’s use water again.

I wash my face once or twice a week with Earth Science Creamy Fruit Oil Cleanser With Apricot and Avocado. Lexi is a potion genius who uses a staggering array of creams, cleansers, oils, and other products, and sometimes she will recommend a combination of two or three of them to take care of a zit or hydrate a certain part of my face or something. I use Bariani Face & Body Cream for my face, Old Spice Fresh Collection: Denali for my pits, and Cetaphil for my bod. Perhaps because of a combination of all that water and the placebo effect, I have very clear skin, so I’ve talked myself into the conclusion that my flagging self-care is really something closer to “efficient minimalism.” Also, I have a lot of freckles, which can hide blemishes. When I shower at home (more on that in the next paragraph), I use Dr. Bronner’s Eucalyptus, and sometimes I steal some of my roommate’s Trader Joe’s Face Wash With Tea Tree Oil. I bought all of these products at the grocery store.

On the rare occasions that I show my face to the outside world, I use Original Sprout Face & Body Sunscreen, which I believe is from Europe, and which I know to be a “pretty good” daily sunscreen. I am befreckled and pink, so I need this to keep from turning this ghastly medium rare shade of pink, which is my skin’s only other tone besides “white” and “a little bit pink.” Sometimes Lexi will spray my face with Rose Water like I’m some sort of houseplant, and it feels great.

When I am not blogging, I am probably at the climbing gym. A year and a half ago, I started bouldering, and I go probably five times a week, for about two hours a session. I cannot recommend climbing more highly, since it requires equal parts creativity and strength. I never had any upper body strength before I started at the gym; even when I lifted weights for high school basketball, nothing happened to me. It’s also impossible to be bored, since there are always new problems to work on and new techniques to master.

Since this product diary is so light on “traditional” products, I will tell you about my climbing crap. Some people swear by Metolius chalk, but they’re wrong, the best chalk is Black Diamond White Gold. It keeps my hands all sticky, and I never thrash and dangle without it. One year ago, I slipped off of a hold at the very top of a long problem and fell about 22 feet onto my back, concussing myself in the process. I couldn’t look at a computer or any screens for two weeks, so I always use a ton of chalk now. I go through a chalk shot every 10 days or so, and then I buy a new one at the front desk. I will always shower at the gym, where I use the Touchstone Climbing In-House Guava Butter Botanical Body Wash. It looks ominous, but it’s good, and this is my 24-hour product diary, so shut up.

Climbing destroys your hands, leaving them leathery and callused, so I’ll moisturize them with Touchstone Climbing In-House Guava Butter Nourishing Body Lotion. I hope guava butter is good for your skin, because I use it all the time now.

My asthma has gotten worse this Fall and I don’t know why, because going to the doctor in America in 2018 is impossible, so I’ll usually wake up in the middle of the night to use my Albuterol Inhaler because I can’t really breath that well without it for some reason. Also, sometimes I’ll take some CBD to chill out. Tomorrow, I will wake up and blog again, forever and ever until the ocean swallows San Francisco. Thank you.