This is Frank.
I understand that Frank is having his pon farr and only one of his kids survived last year, so he needs to try again, but also it’s 4 a.m. and I WANT TO SLEEP, FRANK. Do you think there’s a way Frank and I can settle our differences? A possible complication is the fact that I have a dachshund and they’re sworn enemies. Any input would be much appreciated. Thanks!
Oh, Frank… It’s hard to antagonize the guy too much when I can’t say I haven’t been in his position before myself. That said, this is a slightly tough one thanks to the language barriers that exist between you two. It might be easier to control your own behaviors than nature’s, frustrating as that may be. Have you looked into a good set of earplugs, or sealing up your windows, maybe? In the meantime, try not to be too hard on Frank. Not to justify toxic masculinity, but birds will be birds…
After Googling what “pon farr” means, here’s my kneejerk reaction: let Frank fuck. I realize you’re losing sleep, but he lost a child. He deserves it. Invest in earplugs. Or, call back and see what happens.
Few things are more torturous in this cruel world than hearing your roommates and neighbors bone. Add that to the fact that this neighbor isn’t even boning, but is just supremely loud in his vocal declarations of WANTING to bone? Unless you’re an ornithologist (which it seems you are not), this situation sounds unbearable (unbirdable?) It’s admirable that you’re sympathetic to Frank’s biological drive for children. And I think it’s OK to not love the fact that a peacock’s mating call, which sounds like a 400-pound toddler shrieking, disrupts your Pacific Northwest life.
A quick family story: my great-grandfather handled this issue back in the ’60s in Florida with a shotgun. Don’t do that. But just letting you know, this exact issue has tortured generations of people. I think your best bet is getting in contact with your local government or bird rescue group to brainstorm solutions. Is there a less dense area Frank might relocate to? Is there even a warmer climate Frank could call home? I’m not bird expert but they are and they hopefully can help you humanely deal with Frank and his loud and latent horniness. Best of luck to you and your dachshund.
Like what you just read? You’ve got great taste. Subscribe to Jezebel, and for $5 a month or $50 a year, you’ll get access to a bunch of subscriber benefits, including getting to read the next article (and all the ones after that) ad-free. Plus, you’ll be supporting independent journalism—which, can you even imagine not supporting independent journalism in times like these? Yikes.
