Adam Levine Is Not the Sexiest Man Alive. Adam Levine Is the Worst.

Next week, People Magazine will announce 2013’s Sexiest Man Alive and — if rumor proves true — the title will go to Adam Levine, a.k.a the human equivalent of testing positive for chlamydia.

We can mostly agree that Sexiest Man Alive is a meaningless title. Past winners include safe choices like Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds — all perfectly pleasant-seeming guys with personalities about as exciting and inoffensive as a Pillsbury Crescent roll. But say you took that Pillsbury Crescent roll, sprinkled it with broken glass and turned it into an outspoken yoga enthusiast who won’t stop trying to talk you into anal — then you have Adam Levine. People has officially taken “Sexiest Man Alive” from enjoyably generic to Maroon 5 song-level repellent.

To be fair, sexiness is an entirely subjective concept! Apart from Alan Alda and Beyoncé, there’s probably not a single person on this planet who we can all agree is sexy. Some people — specifically those of us who are actively turned-off by charisma, charm and talent — are attracted to Adam Levine and that’s fine! It’s wrong/grody to the max, but still fine! You weirdos deserve a safe place to express your sexual perversion just like the rest of us, even if yours happens to be sicker and more puzzling than most. That said, come on, People. It’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” not “Person Who Most Reminds You of an Infection You Got from a Hot Tub” (though, weirdly, that’s a magazine I would definitely read).

It’s hard to nail down what it is exactly that makes Levine such a piss-poor choice for Sexiest Man Alive. It’s definitely not because of his looks — he has a human shape and face where his face should be, which are both handsome qualities. He is symmetrical in the way that People’s Sexiest Men Alive tend to be symmetrical. So that leaves us with his terribly smug personality and terribly terrible music.

‘But that’s mean,’ you might be thinking. ‘How can we say he has a terrible personality if none of us actually know him?’

That’s a fair question! How can we judge what he’s like if we’ve never actually interacted with him? By using quotes directly from Adam Levine, of course!

Take it away, Leather Wrist Cuff: The Man!

From Women’s Health in 2010:

“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.”

From MTV in 2004:

“I want our shows to have masses of sexuality and crying.”

From OK! Magazine/Howard Stern in 2012:

In a TMI conversation, Adam revealed he uses “a fool-proof birth-control system,” the pull-out method.

“I didn’t start a band to get girls,” Adam said with a laugh. “I stayed in the band to get girls.”

When asked by Cosmo whether he’d rather be smart or funny, Levine replied

“If I were too smart, I would realize all the ills of the world.”

He is literally the worst.

Now, if I could I would paste this entire article from the June 2012 issue of Details, but I can’t so here’s the unsexy best of the unsexy worst:

“There are two kinds of men. There are men who are fucking misogynist pigs and then there are men who really love women, who think they’re the most amazing people in the world. And that’s me. Maybe the reason I was promiscuous and wanted to sleep with a lot of them, is that I love them so much.”

And:

“Nothing wrong with making money,” Levine says. ‘I’m always quoting the part in Jerry Maguire when Cuba Gooding talks about the ‘kwan‘: ‘love, respect, community, and the dollars, too.’ I love that shit. Nobody has it all, but for me to even come close is amazing.”

‘kwan.

“You know what yoga’s good for?” Adam Levine asks, pausing in mid-thought as he discusses his healthful lifestyle. He draws to his feet, balances in the private jet’s narrow aisle, points at his crotch, and thrusts his pelvis like a porn star. “I’ll tell you what yoga is good for: Fuuuu-k-ing,” he chimes, in a singsong falsetto, then laughs.”

I would rather have sex with Norm from Cheers.

“I hate flying,” Levine says. “Know why? Because no one really understands how planes actually work.‘”

Google “how planes work” and you get 263,000,000 results. Jesus Christ, at least Bradley Cooper speaks French.

(If your vagina is clamped down tighter than a bear trap right now, don’t worry. That’s an entirely normal reaction to everything you just read and it should ease up within a few hours.)

If those quotes weren’t enough to dissuade you from blindly accepting People‘s decision to name him “Sexiest Man Alive” (by the way, this controversy would be easily cleared up if the magazine just changed the feature to “Man, Alive,” a point that none of us can really argue with), consider the following:

That cringe-worthy photo shoot that he did for Cosmo UK with the model’s hands hiding his dong.
ALL OF THE OTHER OPTIONS. Look, we can even be helpful and suggest a few:

On the bright side, imagine how exciting and unexpected future choices will be if the Adam Levine route is the direction that People continues to go in. Scott Caan as People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2014! Brett Ratner for 2015!

Also (probably) on this year’s list: Guy Fieri’s sunglasses and a stale bag of chips.