If Your Daughter Wants to Dress Like a Princess, Let Her

“Ask the Matriarchy” is a four-part advice series running on Thursdays.

Dear Matriarchy,

I’m a mom to a four-year-old girl, who is obsessed with princesses. As a feminist, I do not like princesses and I don’t let her participate in princess culture. I don’t want my daughter wearing any clothes branded with Disney princesses. I try to only buy her clothes in neutral colors, with few dresses, and she looks adorable. But the pull of culture is too strong. She’s been begging for tutus and crowns. She had a meltdown at Target a few weeks ago, calling me the “worst mom ever.” My mother-in-law keeps a stash of dress ups at her house that only makes things worse.

Now, my daughter is invited to a princess party and I don’t want her to go, but she’s throwing a fit. What do I do? Should I stick to my principles or do I crumble in the face of the princess machine?

Princessed Out

Dear Princessed Out,

I understand your stand against princesses. I too had a similar stand—no princess books, no movies, no princess shows, or paraphernalia. I kept it until my daughter was two and she broke into my closet, draped herself in my scarves, and came tripping down the stairs declaring, “I a pincess now, mommy!”

I was crushed, but I gave up. How do you explain to a two-year-old that the things she likes are capitalist, tacky, and play into gender stereotypes? You don’t. Because making a little girl feel bad about a bit of glitter and a tiara is just as bad as making her feel compelled to wear that glitter in the first place.

With respect to Peggy Orenstein, the problem isn’t princesses, and the problem never has been princesses. Princesses are a symptom. They are not the disease. The disease, in this case, is that we conflate a young girl’s clothes with her self worth. Take a look at the boys’ clothing department in comparison to the girls’ clothing department—the girls’ clothing department has every array of tutu, dress, pants, shirts declaring her the next president, and shorts declaring her ass the next DIVA. Boys clothing departments? If you’re lucky, there are a few jaunty hats. Maybe a tumbleweed.

This isn’t because we love girls more (obviously). It’s because we’ve decided that clothes are girls’ entire identity. But you can’t buy your way into or out of feminism. You can’t buy empowerment. If you think about it, when you tie concepts of character to clothing, you are actually buying disempowerment, whether that looks like a tutu or black leggings. The real freedom comes from disengaging from concepts of self worth from clothing. Just by opting out of Princess Culture (™), and purchasing all neutral items, you haven’t somehow liberated yourself or your daughter. Similarly, a tutu does not mean subjugation. So, while I admire your principles, you aren’t teaching your daughter anything remotely feminist. Instead, you’re teaching her that clothes have intrinsic moral weight, when they’re really just a tool.