If you’re not careful, most mainstream media will have you believe that Vice President JD Vance’s half-brother, Cory Bowman, is “advancing” in the political sphere in Cincinnati. As a native Ohioan, I feel it’s my duty to inform you that this news is only partially true. While Bowman has become the Republican nominee in the race for Mayor of Porkopolis, he’s already losing…by a lot. And it’s all because of his half-brother.
“Hey Cincinnati! My brother Cory Bowman is running for mayor and is on the ballot today for the primary,” Vance tweeted on Tuesday. “He’s a good guy with a heart for serving his community. Get out there and vote for him!” And vote for him, Cincinnati…barely did.
The good news for Bowman? He won the primary. The bad news? He only did it by less than 2,000 votes. And Aftab Pureval, the incumbent and Democratic nominee, beat him by a landslide (read: 15,611 votes), meaning he’ll no doubt be clobbered come the general election in November. In these times, giggles like this are hard-won. We should all indulge in the fact that Vance has whatever the opposite of the Midas touch is (the murderous touch???).
JD Vance broke the National Championship trophy, then visited the Pope who died the next day, then visited India and a terrorist attack happened and war broke out, then endorsed his brother for mayor who lost 83-11%. What’s next on the agenda?
— Ron Filipkowski (@ronfilipkowski.bsky.social) 2025-05-07T01:16:14.997Z
So, who is Bowman anyway? Well, though they were raised under different roofs, the 36-year-old shares a father with Vance. The similarities don’t stop there. Bowman founded The River Church (tagline: “Cincinnati belongs to Jesus!”), a nondenominational evangelical church, and is a co-owner of Kings Arms Coffee (blends include watermelon candy, honeydew, and citrus). According to WCPO, he was inspired to enter politics while watching the inauguration of Vance in January. His platform? Infrastructure.
“When you see the roads, when you see the infrastructure, when you see our snow plows that are kind of not in perfect position, when you see even like our police cruisers that need to be updated…whether it be for good intention or not, we’re seeing that the priorities haven’t been the streets,” Bowman said before the primary. Snow plows aren’t in perfect position? Police cruisers need updating? Christ, no wonder he’s so far behind in the race already. Clearly, the loser gene runs deep in this family.
Anyway, back to Vance. I don’t know about you all, but I feel like he should just stop traveling and spend all his extra time in the Oval Office…touching the president. A lot.
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