On Monday, the Ohio State Buckeyes were honored at the White House after winning their ninth national championship. Typically, I wouldn’t know about this because the only thing I despise more than the Trump administration is men being rewarded for anything. However, because I am an alum of The Ohio State University and the mental stability of my family is dependent on these particular men being rewarded, here we are.
My personal feelings about the university’s decision to accept the president’s invitation to the White House aside, I followed the event on social media, expecting only to see a lot of muscles straining suit sleeves. Fortunately, the show also included Vice President JD Vance trying to lift the team’s gargantuan trophy and fumbling it to the abject horror and amusement of everyone. Think Torrance Shipman dropping the spirit stick in Bring It On.
Because not only has Vance never held a trophy in his life, he clearly had no idea that this particular one is detachable from its base—so he took hold of the precious metal mostly from the top, only for the bottom to go clattering to the ground. Some in the crowd audibly gasped, while others applauded or chuckled to themselves as Vance scrambled to pick up the base. While TreVeyon Henderson, a running back for the Buckeyes, took pity on Vance and held onto the top of the trophy, Trump just appeared some combination of annoyed and oblivious—a rare sight to behold when he’s surrounded by so many big, handsome men. If you haven’t seen it yet, watch it here.
Of course, Vance tried to play the humiliation off as him being eternally devoted to Ohio—you know, the state he shamelessly sacrificed on the Harvard altar on his quest for fame via his memoir. “I didn’t want anyone after Ohio State to get the trophy so I decided to break it,” Vance tweeted after the ceremony. First, he didn’t even go there. And second, nice try. Just say you don’t watch sports and go be an unlikeable pronatalist elsewhere.
Naturally, Vance sympathizers will say it was an honest mistake or the weight distribution was just off. I, however, will point to the fact that the trophy is only 50 pounds, according to the Ohio State Athletic Department. So, why not take a page from the right’s playbook and just say this: [redacted]. Use your imagination.
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
