Stop ‘Mastering’ the ‘Art’ of Eating Out and Just Learn How to Do It

Once upon a time, while hooking up with a boy I desperately wanted to be my boyfriend, there came a moment when I realized he was spelling out the alphabet into my labia. Shocked out of my own drunkenness, I lay wide-eyed on his stiff, twin-XL mattress, mortified by the kindergarten exercise that was taking place in my nether regions. He moved his head animatedly in every which direction, his tongue flicking around like a possessed watercolor brush or a soon-dying fish. After about 20 seconds (he was on H), in an attempt to put us both out of our misery, I grabbed his head and pulled him upward, hoping that literally, anything else would feel better than the literary violation to which my clit had just been subjected.

I get it: Figuring out how to eat pussy is hard. At least that’s the narrative we’ve given to most things surrounding female pleasure—hard to master, potentially nonexistent, and like the vagina itself, a largely vacuous pursuit. For a long time, for those who’ve been earnest in wanting to master the art of eating out, resources were banished to only the horniest corners of the internet. Much like the clitoris, you’d only really find these guides if you were intentionally looking for them. But as the internet (and, I’d like to think, our sex positivity) has grown, we’ve also seen an exponential growth of how-tos that work to demystify that which doth make labia-owners cometh.

Take, for example, this recently viral Twitter thread @angel_0f_death blessed us with: It’s a simple six-part lyrical guide (“once you’ve found the movement that does it for your partner, do it in a rhythm to a song in your head and gradually increase the pressure of your tongue”) that pretty much gives you everything you’re looking for. This was dropped on a Sunday, apropos of nothing, completely free, and ready for the taking. Oh, if only more people simply took.

While I agree with the author that the compilation is indeed an “actually worthwhile thread,” their advice stirred up a storm of pussy eating discourse: Its sage wisdom was quickly spoofed by others on Twitter, posting memes of what you definitely shouldn’t do and scoffing at its very existence. One dude, for example, posted a meme of eating the other type of pussy, while others feigned (hopefully overly dramatic) fear at the feat. If there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s men’s tendency to mock advice that they should graciously take instead.

My horror of a hookup was in 2016, and while I’d like to blame the lack of skill on both me and my partner’s relative newness to sex, the robust existence of the internet doesn’t let Mr. Alphabet Tongue off as easily. Whether they’re actually helpful or not, the internet is now a bit of a Library of Alexandria for how to eat pussy—even a cursory search into Google will yield many a result. Dare I say, eating pussy is cool now, and no matter your gender or frequency of sex acts, there really are no more excuses for not knowing how to do it, and do it well.

Here you’ll find the most prominent and easily accessible “How to Eat Pussy” guides available to us today, ranked from worst to best. Bon appetit!

Read the rest of Jezebel’s Horny Week 2023 stories here.

Movies and shows are great for most things—sexual awakenings, momentary escapism, and fueling unrealistic expectations around romance—but one thing they are decidedly bad at is teaching you how to eat pussy. I’m glad the female orgasm has been more generously depicted on the big screen, but these steamy scenes don’t really make for the best educational content. Like, yes, I totally lived vicariously through Daphne Bridgerton as Simon railed her all over Clyvedon Castle, but what were the mechanics of this lovemaking!? The technicalities!? I’m convinced that Victorian skirts were that poofy precisely to hide the magic of well-mastered cunnilingus. Could I just have a little peek, my Lord?

Similarly, I was recently stunned by the unabashed pussy feast that was Lady Chatterley’s Lover, a film adaptation of D.H. Lawrence’s raunchy 1928 novel. Hairy bush supremacy is just the kind of onscreen representation I crave, but once again, ~what that tongue do~ was entirely obscured from my view. While Netflix might just have a bunch of horndogs moderating their content, similar scenes have dominated the silver screen as of late: Thanks to Harry Styles, I’ve learned that the British pop star’s tongue isn’t best used for singing or trying to do a bunch of accents that aren’t his, but diving face first into the folds of Ms. Flo.

Ranking: 0/10 Victorian skirts

There’s no better way to kick off a new century quite like the publication of a guide to eating pussy, especially if it’s rife with misogyny and bizarre man-on-a-mission references (see: Submarine Mission; Parting the Red Seas). Such was how VICE entered the year 2000. In the short 23 years since the start of the millennium, I’m relieved that we’ve moved on from thinking that wanting to perform oral sex on a vagina is equivalent to homosexuality (yikes!). There’s far too much turn-of-the-century douchebaggery for me to even want to sift through the ~legitimate~ advice in this piece. Take this bit with you and leave the rest: Not all clits are the same! Nor do they all need the same amount of pressure. Fashion your tongue like a massage chair and make sure it has at least a few settings at the ready.

Ranking: 1/10 politically appropriate references

Five feels like a very small number of steps to reach a genuine orgasm, but according to MySexualMastery.com’s Robbie Oz, that should be enough to do the trick. I can’t decide if I was more distracted by Oz’s Australian accent or his very enthusiastic exclamation that “we’re having pussy for dinner tonight!,” but I was generally unenthused, which is never how you want to feel while receiving head. The video could have just been a written guide: Most of the video is a closeup of Oz talking into a microphone, with flashes of pre-cunnilingus (kissing, teasing etc.) clips sandwiched in. The last two steps, which do include a demonstration, were performed on a plastic doll, much like you would a CPR training.

Mind you, Oz has a ton of content on PornHub, including advice on how to last longer (practical!) and how to use a sex swing (less practical, but way more fun!). This guide, however, seems to be his least helpful (and maybe least imaginative) one.

Ranking: 1/10 people with foreign accents talking dirty to you

After taking a quick break from compiling this lovely slideshow, I turned my attention back to this 2011 Reddit thread about cunnilingus— but when my eyes landed back on the words “sarm her up,” I thought for a split second that my tab somehow switched to a car manual. The rest of the advice does go into helpful tips (mostly about variation and being easy on pressure), but as a general rule of thumb, please do not include phrases that vaguely compare women to vehicles (or any other object, for that matter) when crafting your cunnilingus guide.

The how-to also concludes on a questionable note, ending with advice to “MAKE NOISE.” What sounds, exactly, would be appropriate for the occasion? Personally, I definitely don’t hold back while someone’s going down on me, but I’m not sure I’d want to hear any caveman grunting, Pacman munching, or yodeling coming from my partner when they’re down under.

Ranking: 2/10 hot rods

In complete contradiction to PornHub’s guide, Best Sex Positions’ how-to arguably gave me too many visuals, with an abundance of porn GIFs (one of which included Snow White!?) sprinkled in between a bunch of advice that’s otherwise not actually too bad! Of the tips included, I was happy to see the use of sex toys thrown into the mix. For one, you can use a finger vibrator on the external clit while you work the G-spot yourself. Conversely, you can also “place a G-spot wand in her vagina while you lick her clitoris.” There are simply sensations that the human tongue, lips, and fingers cannot emulate, and you should learn to embrace and accept that. (Editor’s note: We cannot link to the how-to lest we get banned from Facebook, so you’ll have to google it.)

Ranking: 4/10 Clit Suction Vibrators

I’ve generally made it a rule not to take advice from men, and much less would I be inclined to do so when it involves my own pleasure. But this Men’s Health guide, published less than a month ago, does appear to have caught up with the times. To men (and pussy eaters of all genders) out there: Taking cues from your partner’s body language and explicit direction is cool! I was also a fan of some of their other pointers, including “stay down there for as long as it takes” and “try sucking to finish.” Note: We’re talking about the amount of lung power it would take to slurp boba up a straw, not your best impression of a vacuum cleaner. Moderation is key! The men’s magazine also gets points for being so kind as to solicit advice from actual real-life labia-owners. Keep them coming (and cumming)!

Ranking: 6/10 Afternoon Bobas

Though I strongly advise against ending any how-to guides with the phrase “like a God” (seriously, there’s no way to signal your inflated ego more) or claiming success in addiction, the Bad Girls Bible website’s guide made it up the ranks because of its perfect, factual, and obvious starting point: anatomy. While most (if not all) of these how-tos have generously assisted in helping their readers find the clitoris, they’ve largely neglected the rest of the vagina (and its neighboring body parts), which is a pretty huge blindspot! Ask yourself this, and answer honestly: Could you, gun to your head, tell the difference between the labia majora and labia minora? Plus, who doesn’t like a diagram or two or four or 10? It’s the only way I ever learned anything in school.

Ranking: 7/10 non-religious references

While it may feel embarrassing to admit that you don’t quite know what you’re doing under the sheets (hence the amount of anonymous, low-level-interaction guides online), it’s actually super helpful to ask questions to someone who ~professionally~ knows what they’re talking about! Gigi Engel, for example, is a pleasure-based sex educator whose blog, Ask Gigi, tackles a lot of sex and anatomy-related inquiries, including changes in libido, swollen clitorises, and different kinks. While she doesn’t have a direct guide on cunnilingus, questions about this particular sex act seem to be well within the realm of her expertise.

Ranking: 9/10 curious questions

You can shop around all you want for the pussy-eating guide that promises to send your partner to the highest level of enlightenment, but like most things that have to do with relationships—whether they last for five minutes, a night, or an entire lifetime—there’s no better way to get the answer than through ~direct communication~. Every vagina is different: At the end of the day, your bedfellow will always be the one to most accurately tell you what they like and don’t like. And ideally, they’ll be screaming it to you, too.

Ranking: 10/10 Vaginas

To once again bring home the fact that there are absolutely zero excuses to flop your WAP exam (timed or otherwise), I give you the best of that viral Twitter thread that offended, enlightened, and scandalized the Internet. Remember—this wasn’t excavated from the depths of my iPhone’s incognito tab; it was on Twitter, y’all! Doubling as modern-day erotica, one of my favorite tips is as follows: “Breathe deeply while using your mouth. hot breath on the clit can feel incredibly stimulating and add varying sensations. moan while you lick. the vibrations from your moans will add even more depth of sensation and pleasure.” Look, I know what I said about the whole “MAKE NOISE” advice, but I might have to take it back. Give me all the sensations! Play me a damn orchestra, if you can.

Ranking: 10/10 open-access catalogs