Stop ‘Mastering’ the ‘Art’ of Eating Out and Just Learn How to Do It

The internet has become a Library of Alexandria for cunnilingus tutorials, so there really are no more excuses for not knowing how to do it.

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Once upon a time, while hooking up with a boy I desperately wanted to be my boyfriend, there came a moment when I realized he was spelling out the alphabet into my labia. Shocked out of my own drunkenness, I lay wide-eyed on his stiff, twin-XL mattress, mortified by the kindergarten exercise that was taking place in my nether regions. He moved his head animatedly in every which direction, his tongue flicking around like a possessed watercolor brush or a soon-dying fish. After about 20 seconds (he was on H), in an attempt to put us both out of our misery, I grabbed his head and pulled him upward, hoping that literally, anything else would feel better than the literary violation to which my clit had just been subjected.

I get it: Figuring out how to eat pussy is hard. At least that’s the narrative we’ve given to most things surrounding female pleasure—hard to master, potentially nonexistent, and like the vagina itself, a largely vacuous pursuit. For a long time, for those who’ve been earnest in wanting to master the art of eating out, resources were banished to only the horniest corners of the internet. Much like the clitoris, you’d only really find these guides if you were intentionally looking for them. But as the internet (and, I’d like to think, our sex positivity) has grown, we’ve also seen an exponential growth of how-tos that work to demystify that which doth make labia-owners cometh.

Take, for example, this recently viral Twitter thread @angel_0f_death blessed us with: It’s a simple six-part lyrical guide (“once you’ve found the movement that does it for your partner, do it in a rhythm to a song in your head and gradually increase the pressure of your tongue”) that pretty much gives you everything you’re looking for. This was dropped on a Sunday, apropos of nothing, completely free, and ready for the taking. Oh, if only more people simply took.

While I agree with the author that the compilation is indeed an “actually worthwhile thread,” their advice stirred up a storm of pussy eating discourse: Its sage wisdom was quickly spoofed by others on Twitter, posting memes of what you definitely shouldn’t do and scoffing at its very existence. One dude, for example, posted a meme of eating the other type of pussy, while others feigned (hopefully overly dramatic) fear at the feat. If there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s men’s tendency to mock advice that they should graciously take instead.

My horror of a hookup was in 2016, and while I’d like to blame the lack of skill on both me and my partner’s relative newness to sex, the robust existence of the internet doesn’t let Mr. Alphabet Tongue off as easily. Whether they’re actually helpful or not, the internet is now a bit of a Library of Alexandria for how to eat pussy—even a cursory search into Google will yield many a result. Dare I say, eating pussy is cool now, and no matter your gender or frequency of sex acts, there really are no more excuses for not knowing how to do it, and do it well.

Here you’ll find the most prominent and easily accessible “How to Eat Pussy” guides available to us today, ranked from worst to best. Bon appetit!

Read the rest of Jezebel’s Horny Week 2023 stories here.

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