The Real Winner of the 2022 Oscars: Boobs

I ain’t never seen a titty I didn’t like, but damn I saw a lot at the 2022 Oscars.

Watching this year’s Oscars red carpet, it seems quite obvious to me that we are about to witness the first live titty protest. The tits are clearly tired of being taped up, the nips are tired of being suffocated, and the girls just want to see the sunshine, just this once. The gravity of this moment—gravity capable of pulling boobs once young and taut down to one’s knees—tells me this may be the beginning of a movement… not so much “free the nip,” but free the boobs that have long been poked and prodded like lab rats. It’s feminism, duh.

Some stars who were feeling a little more sheepish gave us neither tittie nor nips, but sternum, like Kristen Stewart and notable non-boob-haver and boob ally Timothee Chalamet. Lily James had her tits cupped like little chicken cutlets in her pink lace bra of a dress. They looked supple, and there was no danger of a nip slip. The Haim sisters helmed the itty bitty titty committee, and while they did not show us their cleavage, perhaps do not believe in nipple petals, because a strong hard nip outline was indeed spotted.

Other celebs took a more daring approach, and when I say daring I mean grab your Zoloft, ‘cuz nipple sightings are imminent!!! Amy Schumer’s boobs were tied in a fucking bow. Megan Thee Stallion showcased her boobs in a structural gown, and Serena and Venus were Boobs 1 and Boobs 2 with deep V’s. Tracee Ellis Ross’ tits, big and beautiful as they are, did not want to stay inside her dress, not unlike a Trump supporter during quarantine!!! Oh, and Ariana DeBose brought her perfect, Afro Latina, gay, history-making boobs onstage. GAY BOOBS!!!

Look, if there’s one takeaway from the evening, it’s that women can have boobs and act, ok?? Just kidding. The takeaway is that I would rather watch three hours of boobs of various sizes bounce down the red carpet than watch one more James Bond Oscars segment. Give the boobs Oscars!!! And a raise.