Diving Into Club Chalamet’s Unhinged Manifesto on How Timmy Can Finally Win an Oscar

Item Number 1:

She starts her manifesto off strong, writing: “There are several things that must not be repeated from the last awards cycle in order to appeal to the voters for Marty Supreme!” I imagine her standing in front of a massive bulletin board, red strings crisscrossing everywhere like she’s plotting world domination.

“The [A Complete Unknown]’s campaign strategists used Timmy’s youth and played up on it by having him attend screenings and fan events on college campuses in flyover country. Why? Timothée interviewed with polarizing figures (Conservative). Why? The focus should have been more mainstream professional interviews. The 60 Minutes interview was great, but it came too late to offset the prior kooky interviews. The focus should have been for interviews with the audience of voters in mind, not the TikTok/YT streamer young adult ‘bruh’ audience. Prioritize Marty Supreme Q&As and private screenings to wine and dine with the voter base of all major awards groups.”

Translation: Simone thinks Timothée’s Gen Z-friendly press tour for A Complete Unknown, including interviews with Nardwuar and Brittany Broski, missed the mark for reaching Academy voters. And yes, maybe those appearances skewed toward his “bruh” fanbase (her word, not mine). But they also showcased his personality. Apparently, Club Chalamet prefers he go the political route and attend fancy luncheons and rub shoulders with George Clooney, but we know by now that doesn’t work.

Item Number 2:

Next, Club Chalamet addresses Timothée’s wardrobe: “Dress to Impress. Timothee will turn 30 as Marty Supreme opens on Christmas Day, and he will need to dress like a 30-year-old man when he is out there promoting his film, interviewing with the mainstream media, and wear tailored suits to exclusive events where he will hobnob with the voters. The median age of Oscar voters sis 62, that’s older than me, and 32 years older than Timothée. He must avoid dressing up in colorful college age guy hiphop outfits at it will turn off these old folks voters and they will not take him seriously.”

As mentioned, Club Chalamet is a 57-year-old woman, a fact that might explain her choice of phrases like “hip-hop outfits” and “hobnob.” (A word I am seriously considering adding to my lexicon.) Her comments read less like fashion advice and more like shade thrown at Timothée’s personal style.

For such a devoted fan, you’d think she’d want him to act and dress however he wants. Personally, I think Timothée has a strong red carpet style—he’s willing to take risks instead of sporting the standard black suit she’s suggesting, like that Haider Ackermann red halter jumpsuit he wore to the Bones And All premiere. Everyone agrees the black suit is boring. I say lean all the way into weird fashion. Next up, Timmy in the Björk swan dress.

Item Number 3:

Her third and final demand really takes the cake.

“Timothee has had a guest with him for the past awards seasons who did not compliment his attendance at these high profile events. You’re judged by the company you keep. Timothee should attend events with a friend and business associates, or his family do yay they are not only there for moral support, but they are not a gossip distraction where, frankly, immature displays of “affection” don’t take away from the legitimate reason why Timothee is at these awards events. He needs a professional team of respectable people who will make him look savvy at these events and not the subject of savory unflattering gossip headlines the following morning.”

I wonder who she’s referring to? Oh, right! Timothée’s beautiful and successful girlfriend, Kylie Jenner! Club Chalamet has long been (very vocally) unimpressed by Timmy’s relationship with Kylie, and this reads more like jealousy than PR strategy. We’ve yet to see if the Kardashian Curse extends to the arts, so it’s too soon to claim that this is what’s keeping Timmy from his little gold man.

Ultimately, I don’t think Club Chalamet is a campaign expert the way she thinks she is. Awards season is politics, yes. But it’s also a cultural barometer. And her biggest takeaways are: Timmy needs to be more calculated; Timmy needs to dress more dull; Timmy should be starring in a boring (sorry!) three-hour historical biopic; and Timmy needs to ditch his girlfriend. Basically, it sounds like she wants Timothee Chalamet to be Cillian Murphy, but we already have one of those!

We’re a few months away from Christmas Day, and even further from Oscar nominations, one thing is clear: There’s only one older woman who can help Timothée snag that Oscar, and that’s the iconic momager, media mastermind, (and future mother-in-law?) Kris Jenner.

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