Justin Bieber Lives in Fear of Judge Judy

It’s midday. You’re hungry but your fridge is empty. It would make the most sense to just hop in your car and drive to pick up something fast and easy. Maybe a burger? Some nuggets? You put on your shoes, grab your wallet and keys—but before you open the door to face the outside, you ask your bodyguards if “she” is there. You hired them specifically to keep you safe from her. “She” terrifies you. Luckily she is not outside. You take a deep sigh of relief and walk to your very fancy, expensive sports car, because you are Justin Bieber. And “she” is, of course, someone who regularly says, “I’m the boss, applesauce:” the universally terrifying Judge Judy.

The bossiest TV legal mind of our lifetime told Access Hollywood that her former neighbor, Bieber, was “paying the front door people to let them know when I was there, coming and going, so he wouldn’t have to bump into me.” Why was he so afraid of her? She thinks that it’s because of a 2014 comment she made about his foolishness for being arrested for a DUI:

“Being a celebrity is a gift. You could either treat it reverently or you could make a fool out of yourself. And he’s doing a very good job of making a fool out of himself. I think it’s sad. And nobody’s going to remember that he was a marginal singer. But they’re going to remember a young kid who had a chance to have it all and who is blowing it by acting like a fool.”

To put it more succinctly and in her own famous catchphrase: “Beauty fades, dumb is forever.” I’m some what sympathetic toward Bieber in this instance. If the face of daytime justice spoke of me that way, I, too, would cower in fear and take every precaution to avoid her. Have you seen Judge Judy rip the defendants on her show a new one? She could single handedly run a “scared straight” type of program.

Not only did Bieber get arrested for a DUI in the winter of 2014, but that same season, he created $20,000 worth of damages egging a neighbor’s home. Unclear how egging amounted to that level of damages, but that’s not the point—Judge Judy got ahead of any future problems by letting her one-day neighbor know not to fuck with her.

Of course, Judge Judy was wrong about Bieber’s longevity and his singing chops. Did she not know that this is the child Usher himself discovered singing on Youtube? A male Jezebel staffer, who asked to remain anonymous due to potential legal repercussions, aptly observed that Judge Judy is “a better mean old lady than music critic.” If Rich he doesn’t show up to work tomorrow, we’ll know who silenced him in the night.