Surprisingly, Stassi Schroeder Does Not Want to Get Married in a Cemetery

Surprisingly, Stassi Schroeder Does Not Want to Get Married in a Cemetery
Screenshot:Stassi Schroeder (Instagram)

People change. They get older, move on in their careers, and get engaged to failed actors on a reality television show. Like, one day you look up, and Stassi Schroeder no longer likes spooky things, or demons, or threatening to cut her ex-boyfriend’s dicks off with a chainsaw! She’s just a regular woman now, touring Italian wedding venues and contemplating if peonies or sunflowers will look better in the centerpieces.

The Vanderpump Rules-famous podcast host has been touring Rome with her fiancé, T-rex costume advocate Beau Clark, desperately searching for where they might film their upcoming nuptials. People reports they’ve already seen the Hotel de Russie and Hotel de la Ville. She also toured an unmarked location on her Instagram stories earlier today, which, as discovered through my own investigations, I’m pretty sure is Castello di Torcrescenza. There’s also a source in the DailyMail who spotted a camera crew with the couple—likely Bravo—which suggests that, if not spon-con, there will definitely be an “arrangement” with whatever venue they choose. I doubt a prestigious Italian castle (are they called castles?) would just let a pack of “pasta-ed” up Los Angelenos run amok on their grounds.

Anyways, why not snoop around these impossibly expensive wedding venues?

Photo:Hotel De Russie (Kiwi Collection)

1. Hotel de Russie

The official brochure for the Hotel de Russie describes the property as “iconic in its own right.” There are “blush rendered” walls, countless tiered terraces, and what is said to be a “sprawling Secret Garden.” This last feature, I’m told, was described as paradise by Jean Cocteau. Fancy! It’s a jewel in the crown of the Forte family, who run Rocco Forte Hotels: Sir Rocco, sister Olga, his three children, and the ghosts of “four generations of luxury hoteliers. Seems haunted—which is extremely on brand for Schroeder!

The venue also offers in-house florists, party planners, and “bespoke wedding packages.” And while I couldn’t pinpoint an exact price for what such a package would cost, the cheapest room in the hotel starts at $2,3oo dollars a night, before taxes and fees. Yikes! Other amenities include suites named after Italian Renaissance artists, a salt water hydropool, “wellness experiences,” and the chance to snoop on European celebrities and Rome Film Festival attendees. There’s also the problem of cemeteries, which Stassi loves. The nearest “cimitero” is the Non-Catholic Cemetary of Rome, which is nearly 30 minutes away. Seems bad!

Pros: Haunted by the ghosts of extremely wealthy Italian hoteliers, lots of greenery, pink walls, and whatever a hydropool is.

Cons: Probably couldn’t afford it, the looming specter of “wellness experiences,” and a long trek to the nearest cemetery.


2. Hotel de la Ville

Another haunted Forte Family hotel, the de la Ville is described as “A lively 18th-century palazzo in a peerless position, Hotel de la Ville both embodies and overlooks life in the Eternal City.” Festive! (No word on how Sir Rocco or Olga feel about the place.) The furniture inside is certainly something Stassi would decorate her own apartment with—garish greens and blues with walls lined with paintings of unnamed, glamorous women. Its main attraction is the de la Ville Spa, ran by Rocco Forte Wellness. Unsurprisingly, their mission statement sounds like a cult initiation:

Rocco Forte Wellness addresses complete enrichment and unityof physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health – together, a Forte Life – fusing proven, pioneering science and technology with inherited wisdom and an affinity with nature across Rocco Forte Spas, Nourish, Fitness, Mind, Community and Sustainability.

Stassi, however, loves cults. Perhaps she could find her next calling here! Services include lymphatic drainage facial massages, LED light therapy, peptide regenerative facials, and “body transforming Endospheres.” de la Ville also features our favorite, the hydropool, and a comforting infrared relaxation chamber—perfect for decompressing after the nightmarish and comical fight she’ll have with her 37 bridesmaids the night before the wedding. Unfortunately, the nearest cemetery, Cimitero Prima Porta Roma, is 20 minutes away.

Pros: More hydropools, cool paintings, cult-ish wellness spa, and haunted rooms filled with dead millionaires.

Cons: Still incredibly far away the nearest cemetery, whatever an “endosphere” is, and uncomfortable looking couches that will probably be hard to cry on.


3. Castello di Torcrescenza

Holy fuck! The website for this expansive castle (again, do they call them castles?) is in Italian, so I couldn’t source much information on the location. A Google translation explains it was a tower in the 11th century meant to guard the Roman countryside. It then grew through the 16th century into the “traditional Renaissance castle” it resembles today. As a former military outpost, I suspect that people have died on the grounds—which means it’s also haunted!

Features of the castle grounds include fountains, a sprawling park, classical frescos, and the ghosts of dead Roman soldiers. Thankfully, it’s been updated for the modern times, and comes with free parking, laundry, and wi-fi. Helpful! There’s also an incredibly close cemetery, the Cimitero Flaminio, located in nearby Labaro (only 15 minutes away) And despite not being able to verify a price for the venue, massive Italian celebrities and soccer stars have had their wedding at the venue. I suspect that Daddy Andy would have a hand in helping them secure this venue, if only for the ratings bonanza that would ensue from such an exclusive, luxurious locale.

Pros: Very close to a cemetery, great for filming, haunted by dead Roman soldiers, cool parks, and fancy wedding decorations,

Cons: Spoon-Con wedding, extremely expensive, would have to share press with more famous Italian celebrities who had their weddings their too, large grounds would make it hard to chase down dramatic bridesmaids or runaway groomsmen.

I suspect that Stassi and Beau will likely choose the Hotel de Russie as their base of operations, and the Castello di Tocresscenza as their venue. A. more suspicious person would wonder if there was a deal made with the venues to promote them on Instagram, but I’m too excited at the prospects of Kristen Doute screaming in the halls of an Italian castle to really care. Best of luck to the happy couple!

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