Would You Do It With the Fish Man? 


As Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water churns through the awards circuit, an unanswered question has been left lingering in the air, swirling and winking around like a constellation of magical blue lights. Would you bang the fish guy?

According to Sally Hawkins’ character in The Shape of Water, fish man is a good lay. On the other hand, he eats cats and has the face of a more water-oriented Voldermort. On the third hand, would you honestly turn down a literal god if he initiated a moment of intimacy?

This question rocked the Jezebel staff, sending shockwaves from our Manhattan office all the way to Taiwan, where staff writer Megan Reynolds logged on to say:

“Hey girl just weighing in from last day of vacation I WOULD NOT fuck the fish man I am unclear about his genital situation and he might be slimy!!!!”

I envy Megan’s sense of clarity. I do not share it. Below is an exclusive look at Jezebel’s symposium on the matter of whether or not we would fuck the fish man:

Joanna Rothkopf: I for one am a definite yes.

Ellie Shechet: I am waffling.

Kelly Faircloth: If I lived in that town I DEFINITELY would.

Joanna Rothkopf: Yeah, I mean, I wouldn’t do a long distance thing.

Kelly Faircloth: Actually wait, it’s Baltimore not some one-horse town so I guess my pickings are probably not bad.

Clover Hope: Yes. Because I’m really curious.

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I absolutely would not but I feel confused whether it is bestiality because fish man can consent and did.

Joanna: The fish man is a god of course he can consent.

Ellie: Was he hotter by the end of the movie or was it my imagination? He seemed more “man-like.”

Joanna: He was hot.

Kelly: Lots of extremely adventurous Kindle unlimited novels have conditioned me to say: yes, probably.

Julianne: I don’t believe in gods.

Lindsey Adler: Yeah I need to know more about the local offerings of not-fish.

Joanna: His penis is also a retractable telescope.

Lindsey: And also I’d need to see the dick.

Madeleine Davies: I Would the fish god before I Would the actor who played the fish god.

Ellie: I would if he like, fixed all my flaws.

Joanna: Yeah he would put his fish hand on my abs and give me a 6-pack.

Julianne: Charles would you fuck the fish man?

Charles Pulliam-Moore: No.

Clover: That one line about the retractable penis made me very curious.

Lindsey: SAME CLOVER. I need to know the mechanism.

Kelly: I mean sometimes it’s worth taking the dick for a spin because if nothing else you get a good story.

Madeleine: I Would the fish man. In water, but not out of water.

Lindsey: It might make for good blog content actually.

Joanna: Look at those arms.

Kelly: Try anything once, that’s what I say.

Aimee: I bet he’s incredible and he can hold his breath underwater…for a long time…so you know what that means…

Jennifer Perry: Hell—to the naw.

Stassa Edwards: I would not because it seems too challenging and I’m old.

Phoebe Bradford: He’s got a nice fish bod so yes.

Aimee: (oral sex)

Madeleine: I wouldn’t want to do the fishman on dry land.

Jennifer: *plucks scales from pubes*

Madeleine: But in a pond or hot tub? Sure.

Stassa: What does fish man smell like?

Kelly: The OPEN OCEAN, Stassa.

Joanna: Maddie he wouldn’t want to do you on dry land FWIW. He couldn’t survive.

Kelly: He smells like SALTY FREEDOM.

Stassa: Which ocean, Kelly?

Aimee: He wouldn’t die for it.

Madeleine: Oh HE’D DIE 4 IT, ALRIGHT.

Kelly: (I mean realistically he probably smells like the pile of oyster shells outside a gulf coast processing plant.)

Aimee: Would U let the fishman die mid-coitus with you?

Lindsey: Yeah what is the UTI situation?

Ellie: I would only be attracted to him in his natural context of water.

Joanna: I have also heard having sex in the pool is bad.

Aimee: Honestly, a woman only gets so many opportunities to make love to a magical half man half beast. I already said no to that centaur… this would be my chance.

Clover: Wouldn’t you feel good if after you did it on land, he died. Like because it was good.

Ellie: True…

Julianne: Omg right think about the STIs you could get from fish god.

Joanna: He would cure them all!!!

Aimee: You never have to use condoms with fishman.

Julianne: Also can fish man impregnate you??

Lindsey: In a world where you can fuck a fish…do UTIs exist?

Joanna: He is an infinity supply of doxycycline.

Ellie: I Would get pregnant with fishman’s baby. Just to see what comes of it.

Aimee: That’s a very different Q.

Ellie: Yeah but it’s related.

Joanna: “To see what comes of it” …brave.

Stassa: How would you raise a baby in the water?

Aimee: I will not stop my life and my CAREER to spawn a bunch of fish babes.

Stassa: Would you have to like clean a tank?

Ellie: I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.

Stassa: Mom Ellie, scrubbing a fish tank everyday for her hybrid babies.

Julianne: I wonder if you get preg with fish man he would have to turn you into a fish woman so you didn’t die, like Bella in Twilight.

Julianne: Also

Julianne: Would you lay eggs?

Kelly: Okay this is where I absolutely want to get off the fuck bus.

Stassa: Too late Kelly, embrace your SALTY FREEDOM.

Madeleine: Kelly, please hold the door for me.

[minutes later]

Madeleine: When reading Harry Potter, did you ever wonder how Hagrid’s dad fucked a giant?

Joanna: No Maddie I didn’t.

Joanna: But now I do!

Rich: Ok, yes Ellie. Just for the story, and to see the dick. What’s the dick like? But it wouldn’t be a romantic scenario at all. We would strictly be using each other.

Clover: He’s very romantic though. Doesn’t talk…

Rich: Well, he’s just gonna have to turn off that stream with me.

Joanna: The D is a retractable telescope…

Joanna: And he lives in a tank

Joanna: And he’s green with powers.

Joanna: = 3 ingredients for a dream man.

Anyway. What do you think?

Embed was removed for legal reasons

Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex to Jared and Ivanka’s (possible) 21-minute fuck playlist? 5% answered “Yeah, sure, why not?”; 18% said “No, but I guess I would give a sad handjob to this”; 36% said “If by ‘sex’ you mean ‘weep silently in my partner’s lap’…then yes”; and 41% said “Fuck no!!!!!!!”

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