12 Swimsuits To Avoid At All Costs This Summer


Swimsuits. No matter how you feel about those particular bits of nylon-spandex that cover our bits in the warmer months, it should be known that there are some designers who do not even seem to be trying. Consider yourself warned.

For starters, if it looks like the print came from a Magic Eye book, it’s a look probably best ceded to the more dedicated 90s enthusiasts.

Speaking of period pieces, Agent Provocateur should have just left trompe l’oeil denim in 2003, where it belongs.

For those of you who like a bikini top to support one boob at a time, there’s Urban Outfitters’ $78 take on asymmetry.

Perhaps best worn with these asymmetrical (assymmetrical?) bottoms. Guaranteed to make you look more lumpen than any other $110 briefs currently on the market.

This offering from Custo Barcelona, misguided though its take on patchwork may be, almost doesn’t seem totally horrible…

…Until you realize that those ugly flowers are made of burnout velour.

Ideal for faking a pregnancy.

Nothing says glamour like “silver wet-look snakeprint.”

Jimenez and Stieglitz sat in a dim room. It smelled of freshly laid carpet and corporate inefficiency. “Well, do we have it?” asked Stieglitz. He looked nervous.

“I think we have isolated the qualities we’re looking for, yes,” replied Jimenez evenly, as he leafed through a stack of focus-group reports. “First, we have plaid. Plaids and patterns that are carelessly matched across major seams, especially. Those poll extremely poorly.”

“And anything involving — what do they call it, Jimenez? ‘Ruching’? Ruching. Excess fabric that’ll get baggy and droopy as soon as it fills up with water.”

Jimenez shifted in his seat. It creaked. “And extraneous details. Non-functional bows and ties. Heavy metal pieces that get hot in the sun, like eyelets. Anything that dangles. Those are all unpopular and, because their function is not articulated in the design itself, people find them aesthetically unappealing. One subject from the group we convened in Santa Fe said, I quote, ‘I just want to rip that stupid rope belt right off there. Who ties a swimsuit with a piece of rope?'”

Stieglitz shuffled more papers. He cleared his throat. “Well. What we haven’t studied is how these factors will work together—”

“I’m confident,” interrupted Jimenez. “I think we are approaching, as nearly as possible, achieving what we set out to do.”

Stieglitz paused. “The world’s most unflattering pair of bikini bottoms.”

“If it’s not quite right, we could look at other options — add a sewn-shut pocket in a useless place, or a zipper that’ll pinch every time you close it. Could even do a paper-bag waist.”

Stieglitz sighed. “No, no…I think what you’ve done here, what we’ve done — this is really something special.” He considered for a moment. Then his face brightened. “Fuck it, let’s call it a day. See who buys the sucker.”

How you feel about this Michael Kors bikini will largely depend upon how you feel about having bands of transparent plastic bisecting your suit. Personally, I feel pretty weird about that.

Alternatively, you could just pay $330 to dress up like a trussed roast. And then have those charming tan lines as an enduring keepsake!

There are so many things I want in life. None of these things is, strangely, a $790 swimsuit with a built-in boned corset. But thanks, Agent Provocateur, for fulfilling someone’s fantasy.

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