Welcome to Game of Boners, your weekly tally of all the nudity that appears on everyone’s favorite fantasy fuck fest, Game of Thrones. Every Monday, we will recap each boob, buttock and sex act that appears on camera, along with some other fun facts from the episode that may or may not have anything to do with sex whatsoever. Keep a box of tissues on hand because Winter is definitely coming.
Finally. FINALLY. Game of Thrones is back. Did you realize that we’ve been waiting a full 10 months for this? That’s 10 whole months of wasting our time watching shows that aren’t Game of Thrones. Look, I like Downton Abbey just as much as the next person with a taste for melodramatic period dramas, but wouldn’t it have been much cooler if the Granthams were worried about losing Downton because it was about to be attacked by an army of ice zombies? You could even make it era-appropriate by making the White Walkers super into jazz!
Anyway, the wait is over. Spring has sprung, the feral cats in my backyard are mating like crazy and GoT is back in its Sunday night time slot. Doesn’t all suddenly feel right with the world?
Last night’s season three premiere was a bit of a slow start actually, especially by GoT standards. Did you notice that only one man got horrifically and publicly mutilated? That’s not to say that it was a bad episode, just that rather than dizzying us with action action action like it has in the past, this one instead took its time to set the stage for what’s to come.
The episode opens North of the Wall where shit is going down. The White Walkers are tearing the Night’s Watch apart and Sam is being as useless and terrified as always. (Unpopular opinion alert: I hate Sam.) Right when you think that he’s about to meet his end, Ghost the direwolf appears to save him and Young Neckbeard will live to see another day. Elsewhere in the far north, Jon Snow is being led into the Wildling’s encampment where — holy shit — giants walk among men and little boys throw rocks at pretty bastards with Latisse thick eyelashes. Ygritte brings him to Camp Director Mance Rayder (Ciaran Hinds of Rome) who asks Jon why he thinks he should be cast in this season’s Wildling production of Hair. “Because I want to be free,” he responds. Not good enough, Jon Snow. You don’t get cast as the role of Berger with that kind of canned answer. “I want to fight for the side that fights for the living.” You got the part! Now how do you feel about showing your penis?
Over in Kingslanding, Tyrion, newly stripped of his title as Hand of the King, sits in a small dark bedroom nursing wounds both physical and emotional. At the end of last season during the Battle of Blackwater, everyone’s favorite imp took a sword to the face and how has he been rewarded? With a delicate scar (which actually makes Peter Dinklage more handsome) and zero thanks from his family for his bravery and cunning in battle. His father Tywin has yet to visit once, though, after a visit from his sister Cersei and a couple armed guards, you have to wonder if it’s for the best. Cersei — who I know is bad, but is also so so awesome — is worried that Tyrion will tell their father that her children are actually the product of incest. No, Tyrion has no plans to tell her secrets. He just wants to ask his father for a little bit of gratitude and Casterly Rock, the land that is his by right. Tywin responds that he will give him neither. Great conversation, Dad.
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