I Hate the Family Ring My Fiancé Proposed With

What happens if you “lose it” or it “gets stolen”?

By Jezebel | February 28, 2025 | 1:16pm

Photo: iStockphoto Entertainment

I Hate the Family Ring My Fiancé Proposed With

Ask the Group Chat is Jezebel’s new weekly advice column where at least three Jez staffers will offer their chaotic (and possibly not helpful) guidance. Got a question? Email [email protected] or you can fill out this form.

I hate the ring my boyfriend of 5 years proposed with. It’s incredibly ugly. He used the ring of a recently deceased relative who meant a lot to him and he says it would have meant a lot to her for me to have it. However, I know for a fact she hated me and frankly, the feeling was mutual. I know these are awful things to say but, after five years, the last thing I wanted was a ring with a gold band from someone who was frankly a huge bitch to me. But I’m scared there’s no way for me to voice any of this. Sigh.

My kneejerk response is: if you can’t voice any of this to your soon-to-be betrothed, you have bigger problems than a ring, babe. However, maybe the ring is an easy in-road to a hard conversation about that relative. I think there’s a way for you to say: “You know what? I’m not totally comfortable with this being my engagement ring because I didn’t get the sense they actually liked me that much. I’m happy to keep it and ensure it endures in the family, but I think my engagement ring should be the start of a new tradition.” If he argues with that…that’s on him.

What happens if you “lose it” or it “gets stolen”? And then maybe a month or so after the wedding, you find it! By that point, maybe your then-husband will support you resizing it into a thumb ring or something. Or melting it down to turn into a necklace you’ll never really wear, or only wear for “really special occasions.”

Alternatively, if you really can’t find a way to bring it up, the fact that you have it means you technically…won, right? That’s powerful. So just, kind of, make up a story around that or something. Is living inside an imagined world where you were victorious in this Cold War the healthiest way to deal with conflict? No. Could it be effective? Maybe!

I really believe there’s always a way to be honest without being hurtful. I think you should describe your misgivings about the ring and his late relative, probably without using the words “bitchy” or “incredibly ugly” if possible, and if anything it could move the relationship forward without forcing you to build up resentment. His immediate reaction to your feelings might not be enthusiastic joy, but I still think it’s healthier for him to know your feelings in the long run. And/or to echo my colleague, there’s always “losing” the ring! IDK!

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