Liveblogging He's Just Not That Into You

3:31: Sandra Bullock has a new romcom and she has a blonde, choppy do and red vinyl boots in the trailer.

3:34: There’s also a preview for a Matthew McConaughey flick. It’s Ghosts of Girlfriends Past or some shit.

3:35: Oh, Jen Garner is in it. Audience giggled.

3:36: HARRY POTTER PREVIEW.

3:37: Ok ok ok it’s starting.

3:40: The infamous playground scene. “A girl will never forget the first boy she likes,” says the narrator as the little girl gets pushed down and insulted by a little boy. Then a woman says, “He did that because he likes you.” And… we’re off!

3:43: Ginnifer Goodwin is on a date with Kevin Connolly. He’s all, “It was really nice meeting you.”

Then he calls some other chick (ScarJo).

3:43: ScarJo, meanwhile, meets Bradley Cooper in a mini mart. I think ScarJo has super elaborate extensions.

3:44: Okay, so Kevin Connolly and Justin Long are roomies. Kevin is totes hung up on ScarJo.

3:46: She sends him straight to voicemail cuz she’s flirting with Bradley Cooper. BUT he just told ScarJo he is married.

3:47: She’s like, “just give me your card” because she’s a struggling singer [in real life AND on screen! -Ed.] and he’s in the music biz or some shit.

Okay, Bradley Cooper is friends with Affleck. Affleck is living with Aniston.

3:49: Aniston: “You don’t ever feel like we’re going against nature by not getting married?”

Affleck: “I love you. I’m committed to you. Why can’t we just have a great life and be happy?”

3:50: Aniston: “You’re right.” (Looks miserable)

So, Ginnifer Goodwin lives with Jennifer Connelly.

3:52: They’re wondering why Kevin Connolly hasn’t called and Jennifer is like, “He’ll call.” BUT WE KNOW HE WON’T.

3:54: Okay, there is this HORRIBLE skit with an unknown, unnamed woman who is all, “Like, who invented caller ID? I reserve the right to call in 15 minute intervals without him knowing it’s me because then I look like a psycho. Which I’m not!”

3:55: Ginnifer Goodwin’s character is going off the rails. She called him and left him an awkward message.

Now she’s gonna do a drive-by.

3:56: Baltimore is 60% black right? Everyone so far is white.

3:59: Okay so Ginnifer is at the bar where she thought she’d see Kevin, and Justin Long is the bartender and he is breaking it down: He’s never going to call you.

4:00: He says if a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit!

Ginnifer says “thank you.”

4:03: She goes into work the next day and tells Aniston and Jen Connelly her new revelation: That you always hear stories about women where things work out but these women are the exception, not the rule.

Now Drew Barrymore and ScarJo are having pedicures. [Of course they are. -Ed.]

4:05: Drew says, “What if you meet the love of your life but you’ve already married someone else? Are you supposed to let true love pass you by?” ScarJo says “You’re right. I’m gonna call him.”

4:07: He’s all, “I can’t. I’m married.” So she visits Kevin Connolly instead.

I’m bored.

4:08: Now Aniston says to Affleck: “I want you to stop being nice to me unless you’re gonna marry me.”

He’s like, “I just don’t believe in marriage!”

Their apartment is pretty nice.

4:09: BLACK LADIES ON BENCH ALERT!

4:10: It’s a skit like the other one.

4:11: Frangela are pretty funny and people are laughing but it’s soooooo SASSY and obviously thrown in for – heh – color.

They’re the only black people in this movie but you get the sense you will never see them again.

4:13: Their whole spiel is about being dumped. How many times they’ve been dumped, the 20 lbs they gained after getting dumped. I’m already sick of this shit.

4:16: Ginnifer just had the scene in which she’s like, “Are you calling me or am I calling you… or whatever.”

Drew Barrymore’s gay friends just talked about MySpace.

4:17: The Asian American one said, “Oooooh, guuuurlll.”

4:18: Bridesmaid scene!!! Jen Aniston is a bridesmaid in her little sister’s wedding. Irony!

4:19: Did I mention that the person Bradley Cooper is married to is Jen Connelly?

Every scene in this film is like 1.5 minutes. It’s jarring.

4:21: Brad Cooper to ScarJo: You’re hot.

4:24: A black guy was just made a laughing stock of, for no reason, he works at the bar but has no name or point in the plot.

4:26: ScarJo is a yoga instructor and Brad Cooper is taking her class. She says, “Wanna swim?” Then they have a poolside flirt session. She says he has an ass that makes her wanna dry-hump.

He says, I think I just fell in love!

4:27: She goes in pool topless but doesn’t show nips.

4:30: I just realized that I don’t care about any of these people.

4:31: Holy shit, Justin Long is making out with a black woman.

4:32: But he stopped to answer a call from Ginnifer Goodwin.

4:33: Justin Long is the Yoda of this movie, the all-knowing guru of dating. Keep in mind he also said he stopped seeing some girl because he saw how big her ass was in the daylight.

Ben Affleck, inexplicably, has a sailboat.

4:39: So, Ginnifer and Justin are drinking together and he’s analyzing couples: he knows all kinds of stuff. He tells Ginnifer that women love drama, waiting till the last minute, pacing, freaking out. He also says, “I like you.”

She says, “You do?”

And the audience goes, “Awwwww.”

4:41: And he goes, “Don’t go doodling my name on your binder. I like you like a Basset hound because you’re kinda pathetic.”

4:44: So, Jennifer Connelly had a scene with that Latino guy who is always on I Love the 80s, and he was funny because people of color are THE ONLY COMIC RELIEF this film knows.

4:45: Kevin Connolly got told by some gays that “gay signals are totally different from straight signals.”

4:47: ScarJo and BradCo are like, in love. He’s maybe gonna leave his wife for her.

Drew and ScarJo are in the drugstore and there are black people in the aisles!

4:50: Ginnifer Goodwin has realized that Justin Long is Watts from Some Kind of Wonderful.

4:51: HE’S INTO HER. She and Jen Connelly hug. This is a “highlight.”

4:54: Now Connelly is saying she doesn’t like laminate flooring because “It’s a lie. It’s pretending to be wood.” She is dead serious. Meanwhile… her HAIR IS IN PIGTAILS.

4:55: BradCo has just told her he slept with another woman.

4:56: DID I MENTION THAT I’M BORED?

4:57: Jennifer Aniston is in the wedding of her sister. She is forced to walk down the aisle with a Labrador.

4:58: At the reception she is seated next to a guy who is Wiccan.

5:00: Moving on! Ginnifer is at Justin Long’s party and boy, are there a lot of ladies there. Plus Barrymore’s gays.

5:03: After the party, Ginnifer jumps Justin.

5:05: …but he’s like, “If a guy wants to date you, he will make it happen. Did I ask you out? Why do women do this? It’s insane!”

She’s all teary.

5:07: She says, “I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m a lot closer to finding someone than you are!” and exits all triumphantly.

5:08: Meanwhile, Aniston’s dad had some kind of heart attack or something at the wedding… is it midnight yet?

5:10: Connelly is blaming her self for her bad marriage. “We don’t have sex anymore,” she weeps, then talks about bathroom tile. SELF ABSORPTION IS THE NEW BLACK.

5:13: ScarJo and BradCo are gonna do it on the desk in his office when, who should knock? His wife! Jennifer Connelly! ScarJo gets shoved in the closet. Jennifer starts getting undressed to seduce him.

5:14: “Do you want to save our marriage?” she asks. “Of course,” he says. They kiss. I barf.

5:16: Back at the bar, Justin Long is distracted. His coworker, Busy Phillips, guesses: He’s into a girl!

5:18: At the office, Jennifer Connelly leaves and ScarJo comes out of the closet, disgusted. “You will never touch me again!!!!”

5:19: She goes and sleeps with Kevin Connolly, who is thrilled. She’s not.

5:20: Ben Affleck showed up, surprising Aniston. She is touched.

5:24: Jennifer Connelly just had a meltdown after finding cigarettes in BradCo’s clothes; she shouted, “LYING SACK OF SHIT!” and broke a really nice mirror. Then got a broom.

Her house is so nice. Everyone has so much money, yet never seems to work!

5:26: Now Jen Aniston is on Affleck’s boat; she’s saying, “You’re more of a husband to me not being married than some of those other husbands will ever be…”

She is kissing the lips J. Lo kissed.

5:29: Kevin Connolly wants to move in with his “girlfriend,” ScarJo. She is like, “I can’t do this.” SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, ERIC FROM ENTOURAGE!

5:31: BradCo has come home to see that all his stuff is packed up and there’s a note from Jennifer Connelly that says “I want a divorce.”

Ed Note: Can this movie end already? I’m sick of typing.

5:32: Justin Long has visited Ginnifer. He can’t stop thinking about her.

“When I was hurling my body onto yours, you did not seem to want to be with me,” she counters.

5:34: He says something about how he spent so much time being the one in control he forgot how it felt to fall for someone.

5:35: They kiss. Duh.

5:36: It seems absolutely UNBELIEVABLE that this movie is not over. But no. Drew Barrymore and Kevin Connolly are meeting cute at a sidewalk cafe.

AND, BECAUSE HOLLYWOOD IS FULL OF SPINELESS JELLYFISH

Affleck just proposed to Aniston.

5:37: I just heard sixty women go “awwwww”.

5:38: Except the narrator goes “maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy.”

5:40: Okay it’s over.

Affleck & Aniston got married on the sailboat. Of course.

5:43: Thank Zeus I have tickets to Coraline later, to wipe that from my brain!