On Dr. Pimple Popper, the Bumps Run in the Family


They’re cyst-ers, get it?

And now, on this particularly harrowing episode, the pops ranked from excruciating to an army of fire ants carrying tiny molten needles that they’re plunging into my eyeballs:

Patient: Tatiana, 26, Danbury, Connecticut

Condition: A bump on her butt that turned out to not be the lipoma that Dr. Pimple thought it was, but “regular fat herniating out.” So, I guess that can happen! Add it to the list of uncontrollable stunts your body can pull, against which you are powerless.

Dr. Lee commented that she didn’t know where Tatiana’s lump started or ended, so I guess it’s the Finnegan’s Wake of growths.

How stomach-turning was the treatment?: It wasn’t good! Since it couldn’t be popped out in the traditional place-pressure-on-both-sides-and-puuuuuush way, Dr. PP had to bust out her evil little scissors and snip it to death.

I hate this. Also, I’m just remembering that my mother used to cut my sisters’ baby nails that had the consistency of tissue paper with similar scissors. What a maniac.

The results: Tatiana healed to the point of being able to wear daisy dukes. It all seemed to really work out for her. I’m not posting another picture of her butt.

Patient: Antonio, Sugar Land, Texas

Condition: A mysterious disorder that caused portions of his back to darken into letters that, weirdly, spell out a name.

I’m kidding. It’s the lump. A lipoma, to be exact. It bothered him when he sat and would lie down. It felt like a rock. Its removal triggered such anxiety that Antonio said in an interview before his procedure: “Worst fear is somebody sneezes and the scalpel goes in my spine and I’m paralyzed.” Hm, I’ve never thought about undergoing minor surgery that way, Antonio, but I will from now on, thank you so much for changing my life.

How stomach-turning was the treatment?: Just devastating.

It was a “grumpy,” “stubborn” lipoma. “It does not want to come out of its hole,” said Dr. Lee. I can relate, especially during the winter months. Lipomas: they’re just like us! Ultimately, Dr. PP chalked up its difficulty to it being wrapped in fibrous tissue. Like a Christmas present from Satan himself.

The results:

Yeah. It worked. And Antonio’s back remained sexy while doing so.

Patients: Cherie and Janice (Their opening package did not include their ages or places of residency and it was filmed in the parking lot of Dr. Lee’s practice. One of those. What are Cherie and Janice hiding???)

Condition: These sisters had seemingly sister growths on their arms. But their unwanted lumps didn’t stop them from having several fits of, like, ‘80s Newport ad levels of giddiness.

“Makes sense since they’re related,” you may be thinking…you lunatic! It turns out that Janice’s bump is a lipoma, whereas Cheri’s is a cyst. Now aren’t you embarrassed about your assumptions that stem from your lack of a medical degree? Also something that isn’t the exact same thing about these people who are at least legally related (the exact terms of their bloodline were not disclosed, not that I have any concrete reason to doubt that they’re biological sisters, I just can’t say that with absolute certainty and I also don’t really trust Cheri and Janice anyway) is that Cheri loves Dr. Lee’s popping videos (she’s a “popaholic” if you will) whereas Janice does not. People! Sometimes they’re different!

How stomach-turning was the treatment?: Oh my god.

I mean, Janice’s lipoma removal was a standard birthing of a chicken cutlet, neither here nor there when your soul is dried up and crusty after watching too many episodes of this show. But Cheri’s cyst was one of those that just like immediately but casually in a way just starts pouring out pus as soon as it’s opened.

Oh and their removals side by side was like something out of a cannibal-run fast food joint in some twisted throwback slasher flick.

The cyst contents and its sac looks particularly like spoiled gelato.

The results: I don’t know! We didn’t get an update package! They seemed fine? Cherie seemed confident that Janice is on her way to becoming a popaholic so good luck with that.

Intermission: Here’s footage of Dr. Lee saying “snatched” and twerking.

Patient: Amber, 32, Northampton, Massachusetts

Condition: Hundreds of pumps on her face “and I don’t know why.”

“I didn’t really realize anything was wrong until one day I had hundreds of them,” said Amber. That’s like I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant…In Hell. As you can imagine, this condition is socially debilitating, what with all the questions and staring. “It would be nice to not stand out in any way, just to blend in,” said Amber, her voice trembling.

Oh, and she also had a nodule under her arm that did this!!!

It turned out that Amber has Brooke-Spiegler syndrome, described by Dr. PP as “a condition where there is a defect in the growth of our skin appendages,” which causes an “overgrowth of certain cells.”

How stomach-turning was the treatment?: Definitely one of the all-time worst.

Dr. Lee cut off pieces of Amber’s face with the torture scissors!

And then had the audacity to say, “Okay, that’s looking good.” What is your taste barometer, good doctor?!?!

The nodule was no walk in the park, either.

Dr. Lee said, “You got diamonds in here, wouldn’t that be nice,” before removing the underarm growth, and then, once she took it out, she referred to it as a pearl. Prince is…not spinning in his grave right now, because frankly he can’t be bothered.

Dr. PP then smoothed Amber’s skin with a laser.

Obviously, this is one of those things that looks worse before better, but wow.

The results:

Amber seemed happy with the difference in the surface of her skin, and she was thrilled when she found out that nothing Dr. Pimple Popper biopsied was cancerous, nor does the doctor think Amber has much of a chance of passing on her Brooke-Spiegler to her kids.

Finally, the food metaphors, a Dr. Pimple Popper tradition that were absent last episode came roaring back in the form of the classic chicken cutlet, yellow cottage cheese, and hypothetical brie and/or cream of mushroom soup.

Feels good to be home.

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