Reader Roundup

By Dodai Stewart  |  June 24, 2010 | 8:40pm
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Admit it: You guys want to write for Vogue! Why else would the glossy mag inspire such epic and amazing comments?

Best Comment Of The Day, in response to Debbie Gibson & Tiffany To Play Enemies In TV Movie: “Two idols, both alike in obscurity/In fair Florida, where we lay our scene/From ancient grudge break to new mutiny/Where reptile blood makes reptile-lover hands unclean.” • Best Comment Of The Day, in response to Charlotte Named America’s Manliest City: “I always pictured America’s manliest city as more of a Samantha.” • Best Comment Of The Day, in response to Newspaper Claims Abortion Triples Breast Cancer Risk: “I am not a science person but I fail to see how abortion would increase your risk of cancer. Is cancer just judgey?” • Best Comment Of The Day, in response to Presented Without Comment: Vogue’s Random Mission Statement: “I will INVOKE meaningless POWER WORDS designed to cultivate an image of APPROACHABILITY without so much as a sideways glance toward the INHERENT CLASSISM and PRIVILEGE of this magazine. I will NAME DROP in an aimless and MEANDERING way and try to sound like I am ONE OF YOU while still letting you know that I’m NOT. I will attempt to make EVERYONE feel slightly more at ease with my FADING RELEVANCE while reiterating that I AM CONDE NASTY.
hear me wheeze.” And!:

I AM MANATEE. Hear me swim quietly. Hear me not bothering anybody, ever. I am not sea-cow; I am not mermaid. I do not emulate the thrashing look-at-me frenzy of the great white or hammerhead sharks. I do not aspire to BEING ALL UP IN EVERYONE’S BUSINESS with eight tentacles or a nose that lights up. No. Of my friend Charles and my other friend Tallulah, both manatees—both manatees—I sing.
(Have you felt the smooth, soft touch of salty Caribbean water flowing around you? Have you considered the REBELLION, the nonconformity, inherent in thick, wrinkled skin? Have you grown any coarse whiskers lately?)
Reader, if you’re an herbivorous aquatic mammal, being a manatee in 2010 offers more EDIBLE OPTIONS than it has in eons. Algae comes in green and blue-green. The ocean floor is giving us ever-popular-but-still-delicious SEAWEED for lunch or dinner. Mangrove leaves with other mangrove leaves are totally back.
Can I get a “rrrruhhhhhnnrrr” up in here?

• And!

I AM BROKE.
Watch me type. Watch me format reports in a cubicle. I am broke; I am not ludicrously wealthy. I do not emulate the prohibitively-expensive fashion stylings of Anna Wintour or Tyra Banks. I do not aspire to BLOW EVERYTHING ON LOOKING PERFECT, with a precision-cut bob and catsuits. No. Of Alexander McQueen for Target and and Vera Wang for Kohls — and Norma Kamali for Walmart — I sing.
(Have you felt the smart, hard pinch of the credit crunch? Have you considered the REBELLION of something so last season? Have you worn something from the back of your closet lately?)
Reader, if you’re not completely brainwashed, fashion for fall 2010 offers more AFFORDABLE OPTIONS than it has in eons. Skirts are available at JC Penney. Designers are COLLABORATING WITH MASS RETAILERS for work or school. Your old stuff-with-old-stuff is totally back.
Can we get an “Amen” up in here?

AND!

I am woman, I am busting my ass to make a living though my wages are considerably less than my male counterparts. Sometimes I dream about feeling the tug of fine leather gloves or wearing a dress made with crinoline when I’m wearing a uniform and sneakers, rushing to catch the train to work. I could buy Vogue and covet the items on the pages while the recession has it’s way with my paycheck and my life, instead I’ll buy lunch.
I won’t ask if I can get an “Amen up in here” cause it’s obnoxious.

AND!!!

I AM DRUNK
And possibly high, too. Hear me say things that sound MILDLY REBELLIOUS but actually mean NOTHING NEW. I am someone who works at Vogue, not a real person. I do not attempt to get DOWN TO EARTH, because I would get FIRED.
(Have you seen the prices on the things we try to sell to you? Really, what the hell.)
Reader, if you have enough money, we will continue to sell more of the same OVERPRICED STUFF to you with renewed CATCH PHRASES and RANDOM CAPITALIZATION to make them sound SHINY and NEW.
Can I get some pizzas up here now?

• Last, but not least: Special Mention JPeg Of The Day: NOM NOM NOM!

Please don’t forget! Comments appear here when they are nominated. If you see a great, funny, insightful, eloquent (or awful) comment, nominate it! Email the comment and the timestamp link to the left of the comment to Hortense at [email protected].

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