So What’s Going on With Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Arnold Schwarzenegger is on one. The multi-hyphenate (politician-actor-bodybuilder) is engaging in a time-honored celebrity tradition: the kooky press tour in advance of a career-spanning documentary release. So far, he’s declared that he’s afraid of death; that his past groping of women was “bullshit” behavior, and that he should win an Oscar for his divorce—all in service of promoting his new action series, Fubar, and his docuseries, Arnold.

Let’s address his desire for an Oscar (sort of) first. Schwarzenegger thinks that both he and his now ex-wife, Maria Shriver, should get awards for how well they handled their divorce after a quarter-century of marriage. The power couple’s union went south after Schwarzenegger admitted to having an affair with their housekeeper and fathering a son with her. It was “very, very difficult in the beginning,” Schwarzenegger said. You don’t say!

But the pair pulled it together for their kids. “If there’s Oscars for how to handle divorce, Maria and I should get it for having the least amount of impact on the kids. The sweetness and kindness you see in them, that’s from my wife,” he told The Hollywood Reporter last month. “The discipline and work ethic is from me.” Somebody get this man a big gold trophy!

In that same interview, Schwarzenegger attempted to address allegations of groping women; he’s previously said he “stepped over the line” with women. (He was much more succinct in the actual docuseries, in which he says his behavior was “bullshit.”) “We are not perfect. We try to be, but there’s only one that’s perfect—God,” Schwarzenegger said. He went on in the same vein:

My mouth is great, but it gets me into trouble. My brain is great—it has the will to make a better world—but sometimes I fuck up. I make mistakes. I behaved badly. All of those things I’ve addressed in the past. I feel bad about it. But I cannot roll the clock back. I have to be careful and be wiser. I’m smarter. I’m more sensitive about other people’s feelings.

The next splash was from an interview conducted by actor Danny DeVito, Schwarzenegger’s Twins costar, published in Interview on Monday. The pair got real deep real fast: Schwarzenegger said heaven is a “fantasy” that doesn’t exist and, as a result, he doesn’t want to die. “When people talk about, ‘I will see them again in heaven,’ it sounds so good, but the reality is that we won’t see each other again after we’re gone. That’s the sad part,” he said. “I know people feel comfortable with death, but I don’t.”

Then, as if he was six beers deep with his best friend the night before his wedding, Schwarzenegger declared that he “will fucking miss the shit out of everything” when he dies. “To sit with you here, that will one day be gone? And to have fun and to go to the gym and to pump up, to ride my bike on the beach, to travel around, to see interesting things all over the world. What the fuck?”

Death is “a reality, and it truly pisses me off,” he added.

Not that anyone seemed particularly inclined to, but no one can ever say that Schwarzenegger is a chill guy. (I mean, would a mellow man have filled a not-actually-a-pothole pothole?)