The Spy Whale Knows Too Much

If you are a person who looks at things from time to time on the internet, you may have found yourself charmed by a recent viral animal. This time it’s a beluga, which is practically a narwhal, which is practically a unicorn. I get why you love it. It seems to possess the whimsy and sweetness of a Lucky Charms marshmallow come to life. But, and I can’t emphasize this enough: It’s a goddamn Russian spy!

We know it’s a spy. It’s called the spy whale, or if it’s a respectable journalism publication such as the Washington Post doing the reporting, an “alleged Russian spy whale.” The whale, whose sex I am not sure of (I haven’t seen it reported) thus begrudgingly will refer to as “it” even though I believe strongly in the ethical treatment of marine mammals even when they’re spies, was discovered around Hammerfest, Norway, by local fishermen in April wearing a harness that had “Equipment St. Petersburg” printed on it. According to the Post, researchers say that the harness may have held cameras and/or weapons and triggered “fresh speculation about a sea mammal special operations program that the Russian navy is believed to have been pursuing for years. Although the Russian Defense Ministry has denied the existence of such a program, the same ministry published an ad in 2016 seeking three male and two female bottlenose dolphins and offering a total of $24,000.”