This Dude's List of Dealbreakers Is 80% Horrific, 100% Hypocritical


Listen up, ladies: Are you tired of games, half-truths and cat-and-mouse phone chases that will never lead to love? Well, have I got a guy for you. He’s got standards, he’s got morals and, most importantly, he has a list of about 372,000 dealbreakers that he won’t put up with. Form a line to the left and excuse yourself once you hit an item that describes you. THIS. IS. SINGLED. OUT.

Before we continue, I must warn you that the following list (received last year but catching the internet by storm in the year of our lord 2014) is somewhat deceptive. At first you may find yourself laughing and smiling (perhaps at the same time) and thinking “man, I would date this guy.” And why wouldn’t you? For instance: He hates holocaust deniers (correct) and zionists (so no extremes) and hates people who belittle individuals who identify as trans. AWESOME. What’s not to like? Well, perhaps the fact that he doesn’t want your tarnished wares if you like to tell the same joke/story in social situations, don’t play the guitar that well or wear yoga clothes outside of yoga. You’d better change right after that class, missy, because he’ll be watching. And he’ll be judging.

Oh, and that whole being respectful and not belittling people who identify as trans thing? Goes right out the window with his next dealbreaker: “you are transgender and expect that everyone has researched your lifestyle/biological determination and is therefore not taken aback by your appearance.” (Nice way to set up that “I’m not transphobic but,” dude! You’re a pro!”

Here are just some highlights that read like some awful version of that Perfect Nanny song from Mary Poppins and might just turn you right on/off: (I don’t know you/your life/ your struggles)

You want a home-birth
You don’t wear your bike helmet
You think world peace is a goal of some sort
You demand respect, but, would happily become a trophy wife if the money was good enough. [Because trophy wives do not deserve respect just by virtue of them being trophy wives. He decides when women deserve respect. Not you. Better get that straight now!]
You dye, cut, and style your hair according to your bad moods.
You think that your real face is the one covered in make-up.
You’re a spiteful food and beverage employee that spits in the cuisine of customers you don’t favour. [That…is…oddly specific.]
You discuss pinterest/facebook/etc. in the visceral world.
Your response to most everything is wrapped in sarcasm. [BUT:]
You are shocked that people are becoming more cynical.
You shoplift. [Fuck…]
You sit on the outer sea with an empty seat beside you on the bus/streetcar/subway.
You drive a car and believe yourself better than the bus/streetcar/subway.
You are offended that models are generally thin.
You subject yourself to television/film/media that purports a different body image than you believe to be average, thereby angering yourself.
You smell like the food you eat. [What?]
You believe everyone is entitled to their opinion no matter how inane. [To the ministry of Love with you! Straight to room 101!]
You own a name brand purse or handbag (burberry, louis vutton, etc) or its equivalent knockoff. [Also if you do not make your own clothes from burlap and leftover thread.]
You needlessly kill spiders.
Browsing photos of cats is an activity for you.
You have, or would like, to attend burning man.
You think trampolines are safe for children. [Man, oh man, oh man]

And just in case you need it, the full list is reproduced below. I don’t know this guy’s username, but if you really want him…I’ll bet you could find him. Just make sure never to suggest a trampoline as a dating activity.

Lead Image via Shutterstock

Images via Tumblr

h/t: Uproxx

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