This Week In Tabloids: Khloé, Kourtney, and Miranda Are All Pregnant

Oh no! Oh no!!!! I would have gone with ‘Oh, the humanity’ but I guess ‘oh no’ works nearly as well. In case you missed it earlier in this paragraph: oh no, Kourtney’s pregnant! And, oh no, Scott Disick is the father! The immaculate conception between Lord Disick and his former lover occurred during “a rare moment when Scott was being charming,” and now things are quite complicated. A source says Kourtney is “definitely not down with having Scott as her baby daddy anymore,” and why should she be? He’s “addicted to cocaine and has been hooking up with a bevy of younger women.” An insider revealed that “no one has told Scott about the baby news,” but did not confirm whether or not he subscribes to Life & Style.

Life & Style is really sticking with this whole “Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are married” thing, because this week they’re reporting that the possible newlyweds just went on a secret honeymoon. I almost believe them! The alleged honeymoon took place in Austin (Justin is filming The Leftovers in Texas) at the home of Sandra Bullock. (Was Jon Hamm there?) It was a “rollicking barbecue,” complete with a “margarita fountain,” guacamole, badminton, and “mutual friend Jason Bateman.”

ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT:

And Also:

• Justin Bieber is “every waiter’s worst nightmare.”
• Farrah Abraham gave her daughter $600 “for her two front teeth.”
• ‘Cause baby Giuliana Rancic and Maria Menounos have bad blood.
• Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift are “house hunting.”
• Karim Benzema is cheating on Rihanna with Karrueche Tran.
• Kendall Jenner and Cara Delevingne are getting a reality show.
• Britney Spears dumped Charlie Ebersol because he didn’t want more kids.
• Mariah Carey wants to have babies with That Billionaire.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You think you see a famous couple at dinner, but it’s just Hillary Swank and her tennis coach.)

inTouch

BLAKE AND MIRANDA DIVORCE: SHE’S PREGNANT AND DUMPED

It won’t end! It just won’t end. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton are divorcing. Some claim it’s because Miranda cheated. Others claim it’s because Blake cheated. Maybe they both cheated! Maybe nobody cheated. There’s only one person we can trust, and that person is whoever leaked this newest bombshell to inTouch: Miranda is pregnant. Despite the fact that “Miranda made it clear…that she didn’t want kids ‘until [Blake] got his act together,” there is a bun in her oven and it was kneaded by Blake Shelton. The source claims Miranda didn’t find out about the pregnancy until after the divorce papers were filed, and that she’s “not feeling sorry for herself.” Three days of news about this divorce could fill three whole albums.

Jen and Ben’s divorce is getting “ugly.” (Apparently it hasn’t been ugly until this very moment.) She’s planning on doing “whatever it takes to get sole physical custody of their three children,” even if that means burning him in court. “She knows about the rumors of affairs with co-stars,” and “Ben’s links to [those] other women could be [her] trump card.” Sources say Ben is “fighting an uphill battle—and is most likely going to lose.” When it comes to battles Ben will soon be fighting, it appears that Superman has nothing on a crusader named Jennifer Garner.

And Also:

• No one in New York City cares about Brandy.
• All of Brody Jenner’s hookups on The Hills were fake.
• Vanessa Lachey posed with popsicles on a red carpet.
• All of Kaitlyn Bristowe’s friends think she’s “headed for heartbreak.”
• All of the Duggars are “at war.”
• Louis Tomlinson’s “baby mama has a shady past.”
• Brad Pitt’s mom is desperate for him to save his marriage. Same.

Grade: F
(You’re trying to commute to work in peace, but Brandy gets on your train and starts singing.)

STAR

TOM CRUISE: GETTING MARRIED

But enough about divorce! Let’s talk about love. Tom Cruise, 53, is probably going to marry his 22-year-old assistant, Emily Thomas! She’s been “quietly seeing the superstar since late 2014,” and Tom is “smitten” as hell. Thomas was hired to work “as his assistant on Mission: Impossible-Rogue Nation, and it looks like she turned it into Mission: Possible-Love Connection! Though they’re not engaged yet, rumors are already flying that Suri will be the flower girl. When asked for comment, Suri probably said, “Wait wait wait. What are you talking about? Tom who?”

Meanwhile, I’m gonna drop this bomb in with no further commentary: Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are engaged.

A Royal bodyguard was “eager to spill” some secrets about the Royal Family to Star of all places! Here’s what he said:

• Kate does pole dancing exercises. God, save the queen!
• Harry loves putting temporary tattoos on his butt. Gasp!
• Queen Elizabeth goes on secret trips to McDonald’s. Storm the palace!
• William does charity work while wearing disguises. Burn him!
• Camilla talks shit about Diana sometimes. Burn her, too!

These rumors are so dull that they must be true.

The other long features were a piece about about Lamar and Khloe (a story we’ve already covered) and a weirdly out of place feature about Amy Schumer’s sister’s private trauma, and then there was this:

And Also:

• Kirsten Dunst lives on juices and smoothies.
• Jimmy Fallon was hammered as hell the night he broke his finger.
• Johnny Depp went broke after giving Vanessa Paradis $150 million.
• Liam Hemsworth is so crazy jealous of his brother Chris.
• Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult had a huge fight in an “elegant restaurant.”
• Keanu Reeves is in love with transgender actress Jamie Clayton.
• Jennifer Garner’s rebound is Martin Henderson.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F- (Tom Cruise asks you to marry him.)

Appendix:

Fig. 1 (inTouch)

Fig. 2 (inTouch )

Fig. 3 (OK!)