We Paid Some Etsy Witches to Curse Charlie Kirk

If the far-right misogynist with a bad haircut wants to villainize independent women, Jezebel is more than happy to be the hag of his nightmares.

By Claire Guinan  |  September 8, 2025 | 12:49pm
Photo: Getty Images EntertainmentPolitics
We Paid Some Etsy Witches to Curse Charlie Kirk

The internet has ruined me in a thousand ways, but one of its strangest gifts is that I can now buy a curse as easily as I can buy a phone charger. On the mystical website Etsy, you can find a spell for just about anything. Don’t want it to rain on your wedding day? There’s a spell for that. Want the man who cheated on you to develop an incurable rash? Or premature balding? The Etsy coven has you covered.

But the internet has its downsides. Exhibit A: Charlie Kirk. Maybe it’s his obsession with telling women what to do or his aggressively large head, but the far-right podcaster’s presence is more irritating than most. That’s when I remembered: there’s Etsy.

These days, witches cater to more than just personal grudges. And it’s not uncommon for them to channel their energy toward thwarting Republicans (there’s even a subreddit devoted to casting nightly hexes on Trump). Are you interested in punishing Kirk for the years of regressive rhetoric he’s shouted at America’s youth and anyone within earshot? Here at Jezebel, we’re about to find out if there’s a spell for that.

Who Is Charlie Kirk?

 If you’ve never heard of him (I envy you), he debates college kids for sport, pops up on Fox News, and founded the right-wing conspiracy theory factory Turning Point USA. Billed as a “nonprofit,” Turning Point is less about charity and more about funneling far-right propaganda into dorm rooms under the guise of “educating” young voters. Through these various ventures, Kirk has transformed into a reliable pawn, parroting Project 2025 talking points and championing the owning-of-the-libs. He’s basically a fake news vending machine with a terrible haircut. Sadly, Trump’s re-election only ensured I’d be seeing more of that godawful haircut.

A cornerstone of Kirk’s nightmare ideology is his insistence that, since gaining more independence, Western women are more miserable than ever. He tells auditoriums full of young women that our freedom is a flaw, not an achievement. He’s obsessed with declining birth rates and idealizes the 1950s, when women’s only “job” was tending to children and husbands. If we all abandoned our careers and returned to motherhood, we’d be happier, according to Kirk. Indeed, he fails to realize that I would be happiest if he would just shut up.

Throughout history, society has branded bold and assertive women as witches to silence them. Since Kirk already assumes every liberal, college-educated woman is a feminist witch hellbent on destroying civilization—even recently declaring that the “Jezebel spirit has just infected an entire generation of young ladies” (shoutout!)—we’re reclaiming it. If Kirk wants a villain, I’m more than happy to be the hag of his nightmares.

Disclaimer: The Ethics of Cursing a Stranger

Now, is it ethical to curse a man I’ve never met? Probably not. But is it unethical to let him keep talking? Yes. So here we are, in the gray area.

I want to make it clear, I’m not calling on dark forces to cause him harm. I just want him to wake up every morning with an inexplicable zit. I want his podcast microphone to malfunction every time he hits record. I want his blue blazers to suddenly all be one size too small. I want one of his socks to always be sliding down his foot. I want his thumb to grow too big to tweet. To ruin his day with the collective feminist power of the Etsy coven would be my life’s greatest joy.

Buying the Curse

Naturally, I did what any serious journalist would do: I typed “curse enemy” into Etsy’s search bar. Five thousand results.

The options were endless. Should I try “Karmic Revenge,” “Same Day Bad Luck Curse,” or “Insanity Hex?” Or my personal favorite, simply: “HEX Republicans.” The reviews were their own kind of magic. One five-star review for a “Career Crusher Curse” read: “She has such a sweet, charming, bubbly personality… j’adore 🧚🐉💕” So, not exactly the witches of Salem. These Etsy witches were streamlined for the internet age and spoke fluent emoji.

Then I found the crown jewel: “Shit Your Pants Spell.” Review: “It really worked. Thank you.” At that point, it was clear I’d need to order multiple curses, at different severity levels and price points, to guarantee results.

After placing my first spell, “MAKE EVERYONE HATE HIM,” I was left with more questions than answers. How long would it take to kick in? Should I have splurged for a pricier spell to make it work faster? Shortly after, the witch messaged me trying to upsell me a $50 “spell booster.” When I asked what it did, she explained it would “amplify the energetic support” of the main spell, or else I could let it unfold “in its natural timing.” I decided to trust the witch’s will.

For the “POWERFUL HEX SPELL,” I had to provide Kirk’s date of birth for “accuracy.” The witch performed the hex, but her response was unsettling: “I just completed your spell, and it was successful. You will see the first results within 2–3 weeks. However, I did notice disturbances… negative energy not only from you, but projected at you. Likely from toxic family members, co-workers, or new acquaintances.”

I panicked. I replayed recent encounters: the barista at my coffee shop? She’s always rude, so probably not. Then I read the rest of the message: “Would you like to purchase a protection spell?”

Another upsell. These witches weren’t just spellcasters; they were saleswomen. And they had perfected the (dark) art of the deal.

I reached out to a third witch, Priestess Lilin, for clarification. She explained: “The differences in prices aren’t really about ‘better/faster’ magic, but rather the complexity of the spell work,” she told me in an Etsy message. “Some workings are small, focused intentions with minimal tools, while others are more intricate and involve rarer ingredients, more time, and sometimes even repeated castings to build up and direct the energy for our clients.”

I wonder what ingredients she used to curse Charlie. A MAGA hat submerged in flames? An IUD? And if enough people cursed a single person, would the results be stronger? When I asked her if she’d noticed more political figures being targeted these days, she said yes: “Clients often turn to spells when they feel unheard or powerless in the usual systems. Our magic becomes both a personal release and a way of reclaiming control,” she wrote. “Whether the target is a boss, an ex, or a public figure, the underlying current is the same… People want to shift the energy in their lives and the world around them.”

And there I was, in the year of our Lord 2025, staring at my computer, chatting with a witch on Etsy about the state of the world, hoping that somewhere between the cosmos and the internet, justice would be served.

The Aftermath 

The next day, the Priestess sent me her proof of cast: a photograph in flames, the edges slowly curving inward, engulfing Charlie’s ridiculous scrunched-up little face. She whispered (I imagine), “Trust the unseen.” Chills.

I’d timed the purchase perfectly with the August new moon in Virgo. According to the astrology girls on TikTok, this specific new moon is the perfect time for forming new habits and aligning goals. My personal goal? Cursing Kirk. The stars were aligned.

Sunday, August 24, passed. Nothing. Monday, still nothing. Tuesday rolled around, and I began to wonder if I’d been scammed. But then I reminded myself: this is witchcraft, not Amazon. The forces operate on their own schedule.

By Wednesday, I checked Charlie’s socials to see if he was spouting anything new. And, of course, he was. This time, he was weighing in on Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement, tweeting, “Young women should get married just like Taylor Swift is planning to. You will be happier.” Then, on an episode of The Charlie Kirk Show, he told THE Taylor Swift to “Reject feminism. Submit to your husband, Taylor.”

It dawned on me: the witches didn’t even need to curse him. The Swifties will handle him now, and let’s be real, the Swifties are much scarier. Or was siccing the Swifties onto Kirk the curse actually working…?

Then there was more.

According to ABC4, Utah State University students launched a petition to bar Kirk and Turning Point USA from visiting the campus on his college tour. “Charlie Kirk, a highly polarizing figure, does not align with the core values and ideology that Utah State University strives to epitomize,” the petition reads.

The petition was launched on Friday, August 22, and had already been signed over 3,800 times. Could this be the “MAKE EVERYONE HATE HIM” at work?

Then I saw a tweet that certified the results. “His head is getting bigger,” the post read, alongside the clip of Kirk telling Swift she’s “not in charge.”

I believe this is it. Slowly over the course of the coming months, the circumference of Kirk’s head will increase inch by inch until he becomes a literal human bobblehead. Or maybe it keeps growing until it eventually pops. Either way, it feels… appropriate.

In Witches We Trust

So, did my Etsy curses work? Time will tell. The forces move in mysterious ways, and as the Priestess reminded me, “Spellwork is a collaboration between the caster, the client, and the universe itself.” For now, we can only trust in the timing of the great unknown.

A special thank you to the witches of the modern age, who work tirelessly to hex Republicans and topple conservative regimes (and the occasional ex-boyfriend). Your work is appreciated.

And to you, Mr. Kirk: May the rash come swiftly.

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