Is there something in the (dick) air? Should we give dick a
chance? Are we being reminded to be thankful for dick? Because everywhere I
looked lately I feel I am getting pounded by penises. It was like the Internet
equivalent of that notebook in Superbad with all the dicks drawn on it.
It’s like I cranked up the jack-in-the-box and out popped a load of dicks in
my face. What gives?
First, lest you think I just have some Google alert for
dicks set up, rest assured I browsed the Internet like I always do, and the
peen sprang supreme against my own best wishes. I don’t know if there’s like a
seasonal dick thing going on, or a random proliferation of penis. But the dicks are mustering the courage to get in all our faces, and so I shall just
present the evidence and let you decide.
Dick #1 in Your Face
Hairpin did an Interview
With a Big Dick. This is, in spite of its prurient appeal, a pretty great,
nuanced read about being a dude with a big dick (it is not, I repeat, not, an
interview with a dick itself, as I initially guessed). Still, good times:
Are
there things that you like about being a guy? Do you ever just get psyched up
about being a Big Dude with a Big Dick?
I
mean, obviously I like my dick. I like having sex with it. And I do have a
couple of close male friends, and it is kind of fun to just normatively bro out
with them.
Rate That Peen: Because of this big
dick’s high level of self-awareness and sense of humor, to say nothing of his
use of the phrase “normatively bro out,” this gets a good, hard boner
rating.
Dick #2 in Your Face
Salon wrote up earlier this
month (but I only just saw it) this 10
Strangest Facts About Penises. In
it, we come to understand, thanks to facts like “Every penis was a
clitoris,” at least one reason
why a man’s very identity is so often rooted in how not-like-a-woman he is.
Namely, because he is all too aware of how much like a woman he once was. Other
fun facts we sorta knew but can always stand to be reminded of: Fetuses get
boners, big balls = more likely to cheat, and the biggest dick ever was
measured at 13.5 inches. Day-um.
Rate That Peen: Fun and informative! Three-quarter
chub.
Dick #3 in Your Face
HuffPo
has a column called “Why
is My Penis Funnier Than Your Vagina?” In it, Rob Stephenson,
Associate Professor of Global Health at Emory, laments after mentioning Eve
Ensler’s invasively staged play, The
Vagina Monologues, that “no penis has ever had a monologue.” Um,
you mean, aside from its top-billed guest speaker role in all of history
forever on all matters deemed important since forever? Still, I must concede he
has a firm point when he says “the penis’s role in the media
is largely comedic; they are, if you will, the genital jester.”
To drive the point deeper, he cites phallic party
favors at bachelorette parties and a few pop-cultch references to penis-as-gag
(ugh, sorry), such as the ill-zipped
zipper in There’s Something About Mary.
And apparently, there’s some pole-on-frozen-pole action in a Harold and Kumar movie? He thinks maybe
those pesky MPAA rulings against erect penises on screen are responsible for
the penis’s role as a big, hard joke.
He might be right. Perhaps deflating the peen is
a way to mock social norms — male power/virility — for comic value, he argues.
But he questions why there isn’t an equally comedic role for vaginas. I’d say it’s because there’s still not an equally comedic role for women/female directors/etc. in general. Also, clearly someone has never been around a coupla
teen girls in hysterics trying to out-queef each other. I think we just need more
women putting the vagina in movies, because women know the vag is a real riot. Let
us in, and we will let you in (our vaginas).