A Cannibal’s Midlife Crisis: Armie Hammer Returns to the U.S. With Fresh Ink

It’s safe to say that after yesterday’s release of the House of Hammer trailer—the three-part docuseries detailing the 35-year-old actor’s history of abuse (including his, uh, cannibalism fetish)—everyone’s got Armie Hammer on the mind. As Jezebel’s Kylie Cheung wrote, in addition to a “bird’s eye view” of Hammer’s “entire family history of abuse and shadiness,” the discovery+ series also features interviews with a few of Hammer’s exes, who give pretty horrific accounts of his love for flesh.

Hammer’s had a rough couple years in the press, so it makes sense that the Call Me By Your Name actor is looking for some ways to cope that don’t involve literally eating the women he dates. After fleeing in the night to the Cayman Islands in the beginning of the pandemic in 2020 (which led his ex-wife Elizabeth Chambers to file for divorce) and then reportedly selling timeshares there for the past two years, Hammer now seems to be channeling his woes into a mid-life crisis project: getting a bunch of corny symbolic tattoos. According to Page Six, the 35-year-old was spotted lounging by the pool in a Southern California hotel with an upside down triangle in the middle of his chest and a bisected triangle on his arm. The meaning of these shapes? The alchemy symbols for water and air, respectively. So deep, Armie.

Hammer’s new bodily adornments join his growing collection of tattoos, which seem to be the actor’s post-divorce canvas. Apparently, after Chambers called it quits, Hammer got five tattoos in quick succession, which include “an outline of the Caymans above his knee; a heart that was inked by the in-house tattoo artist at Kaia Gerber’s birthday party to match two teenage boys’; the letters ‘E.G.B.A.,’ standing for ‘Everything’s gonna be alright’; and the word ‘chaos’ because he wants his life to be chaos.” Mission accomplished, you handsome flesh-eating enigma.

Despite having completed a near-nine month stay in a Florida rehab center after being accused of mental, emotional, and sexual abuse, Hammer is still adamantly denying these allegations. We’ll keep a close eye on Hammer’s skin canvas post-House of Hammer release. What’s next? “I.A.N.A.C.” for “I am not a cannibal,” right across the forehead?