America Has Some Critical Questions About the Return of SURGE

Thanks to the endless wheedling of the Internet, SURGE, the disgusting beverage that fueled my high-school debate team’s dumbest, most ridiculous antics, has been resurrected for sale exclusively on Amazon. And now a bunch of people are amusing themselves by posting absurd questions and even more ludicrous answers on the product page.

Don’t worry—you can expect the same great taste you remember from the late 1990s:

And did you know that SURGE will sharpen your focus and boost your mental agility?

It goes great with vodka, and tastes great coming back up!

Plus it’s handy in a natural disaster/zombie apocalypse:

Contemporary video games are not included, unfortunately:

But remember, you ARE on Amazon.

Your 12-page cultural studies term paper on Internet culture, the return of SURGE and America in the twenty-teens is due on my desk by EOD Friday. No extensions.

Image via AP.