ANTM Premiere: The First Top Model Underarm Makeover

By Tracie Egan Morrissey  |  March 11, 2010 | 8:00pm
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The theme of Cycle 14 is “social networking sites,” and on last night’s premiere, Tyra narrowed the semi-finalists down by having them create a “MyFierce page.” Is this a foreshadowing of her next step in her business empire?

The title of last night’s episode was “Be My Friend, Tyra!” in reference to Tyra’s MyFierce page, for which only the finalists would be accepted as friends. For the semifinals, the girls had to shoot a profile picture, and create a “Netwalk” video of their runway walk. My main question is: Why did she name it MyFierce when Fiercebook would’ve made a much better pun?

It’s fitting, I guess, considering the inanity of the rest of the show. Speaking of which, the girls just about lost their minds over the excitement of meeting Tyra in a Sheraton hotel.

Judging by the 90-minutes that aired last night, this Cycle might be the best one in while, because the casting is so incredible. These girls know how to make a soundbite. Some of my favorites:
“My two life goals are to be like, a Victoria’s Secret model or Hillary Clinton.”
“I don’t want to date white guys because…I don’t want to see a pink penis. It makes me think of raw meat.”
“I believe I only have one chance to live.”

Naturally, the best was Angelea’s definition of “the bitch, please look.”

Also during semi-finals, we learned why sex between a gay man and Tyra would never produce a child. They can’t seem to figure out what goes where. Insemination: You’re doing it wrong.

Speaking of genitalia…

Oh, and being an ex-cult member is the new transgenderism/Asperger’s syndrome/endometriosis/dyslexia/degenerative blindness/etc. You know, producers always make sure there’s at least one contestant each season who has a “thing” that she’s dealing with.

Naduah’s parents were part of a sex cult, which is endlessly fascinating to me in that way where I like to intentionally scare myself with creepy true stories. However, I have a feeling that we’re not going to get that much back story on this because it might just be too unsettling.

I also thought it was kinda crazy that the girl from the sex cult had to endure being hit on by the other contestants. But I don’t know, maybe Naduah’s desensitized to it.

All I kept thinking about when Alasia said that was, “If?” You’re wearing multiple wallet chains, a leather vest, fingerless gloves, consider yourself a “biker chick,” and find yourself attracted to a woman. As Angelea would say:

So that’s as good a segue as ever to talk about Ren’s underarm “makeover.” She doesn’t shave her armpits because of “health” and “women’s rights.” If those two things are priorities in your life, might I suggest a different career path? (I’m not talking about modeling, so much as reality TV.)

Other quick thoughts:
Elyse the sequel:

Denise Richards?

Wear gloves when applying hair dye, next time.

One of the worst makeovers evs:

If this girl is “plus-size,” then what am I? Costco size?

“Tyra Mail” this Cycle is part of the whole “social networking” theme in that words are deliberately misspelled.

The episode ended with Mr. Jay telling the girls that they would be modeling nude for their first photo shoot. My reaction was kind of like this:

And when I realized I’d have to wait until next week to see the results, my reaction was kind of like this:

 
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