Ariana Grande's (Scalp) Is in Constant Pain


I’m starting to think Ariana Grande’s song “Dangerous Woman” was actually about her ponytail-hoisting lifestyle, which sounds more and more medically concerning with each passing day.

On Sunday night, Camila Cabello wore a high ponytail to the MTV Europe Music Awards, and took it down before the end of the night. On Instagram, she posted before and after photos, and captioned it “my face during the high ponytail, my face after i took that thing off,” followed by two crying-laughing emojis. Although she looks perfectly composed in the first pic, Cabello was apparently in a world of pain. “I just did a high ponytail for the first time and it is literally pulling on my BRAIN,” she wrote on Twitter, asking Grande for advice. “ITS SO PAINFUL HOW DO YOU DO IT.”

Ari responded with her usual mix of detached nihilism and jokes. “well u actually have hair so that prolly makes it a lil more painful….nah jk i’m in constant pain always and don’t care at all,” she wrote. I keep rereading the strings of words that comes at the end of that tweet, and trying to find meaning in it. What is she saying? Does she need help? Is it too late? How much do you think her ponytail weighs? Does it ever throw her off-balance? Several media outlets covered this online interaction between two pop stars as Grande “finally answer[ing] the question” we all have about her ponytail, but the truth is, I have more questions.

Namely, I’m still confused about whether or not she’s in pain. But if she is, then Ari lives in a prison of her own design, and she’s free to walk out anytime. And certainly, we can all relate to that, right? Don’t worry Ari; we’re ready when you are.

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