A belligerent Billy Ray Cyrus! Military Men! Kid Rock swilling beer from a plastic cup! A mugshot photo op! The fêtes in honor of Donald Trump’s return to the White House had everything you’d expect.
Trump’s first stop was the Commander-in-Chief ball, where he danced with First Lady, Melania Trump, to “An American Trilogy” by Elvis Presley and…multiple members of the military. After the couple’s dance, the Trumps and Vice President JD Vance and Second Lady Usha Vance bizarrely partnered off with service members. Take, for instance, this photo, in which Mrs. Trump has never looked happier than in the arms of a man who is not her husband. Or, this one, which seems to prove that Vance has never slow-danced with a woman apart from his wife ever in his life—and his wife also seemed very interested in doing so with men that are not her husband. Trump also wielded a sword to cut an Air Force One-shaped cake. Unfortunately, there were no accidents.
On the guest list was Pete “abuser of women” Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Defense Department; Kid Rock, who was pictured drinking beer (probably not Bud Light) from a plastic cup; Jon Voight, one of Trump’s special ambassadors to Hollywood; performers Rascal Flatts and Billy Ray Cyrus, who had technical difficulties that he reportedly handled very normally; and finally, his children.
In yet another revelatory sartorial statement, Ivanka Trump did her best Audrey Hepburn cosplay in a dress by Givenchy. Sarah Burton, who designed Kate Middleton’s wedding gown, is very notably at the helm of the fashion house, and even more notably hasn’t posted about the gown. Meanwhile, Melania opted for a custom gown by her stylist, Herve Pierre, Kai Trump wore Sherri Hill and no one knows who Tiffany Trump was wearing because no one asked!
Melania and Ivanka’s choices for the ball were a departure from who dressed them for the rest of the Inaugural weekend: Oscar de la Renta. Critics of the fashion house have declared they’re “done” after it provided looks for a number of other events, including a gown for Ivanka and multiple ensembles for Usha. While I’ll note that this is hardly the first occasion Oscar de la Renta dressed Ivanka (she wore a coat from the fashion house for her father’s 2017 inauguration), it will never not be jarring to see designers proudly dress fascists. Anyway!
The Trumps then stopped by the Liberty Ball where Nelly, the Village People, and Jason Aldean performed. Aldean admitted he wasn’t called by Trump’s team (Nelly was), but had, in fact, volunteered himself to perform.
“I’ve known President Trump for a few years, and you know, had a chance to spend a couple of New Years with him, play golf, and different things, and obviously been a big supporter of his over the last few years, and so, when he got elected, I just called and said, ‘I don’t know what this looks like, but I would just love to be there in some capacity,'” he told CBS Mornings. Of course, he performed his bigotry bop “Try That In A Small Town.” Meanwhile, I’d implore him to try drinking some water. He seems thirstier than usual.
Guests of the Liberty Ball were “supporters” of the president as opposed to donors or military men, so basically, it was the least desired ticket in town. As a consolation, they were invited to pose with Trump’s mugshot.
And finally, there was the Starlight Ball where all of the tech bros (and Theo Von) convened to listen to Gavin DeGraw try to hit notes he hasn’t in decades and stare openly at Lauren Sanchez’s Dolce & Gabbana-clad boobs.
What can be said other than the Inaugural balls were a fitting reflection of McDonald’s-on-fine-china and wearing-haute-couture-to-hear-tone-deaf-men-sing Trumpism?
