Former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson Wrote a Hilarious Column on Ozempic

Former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is now co-workers with Meghan McCain, with his new gig as a columnist at the Daily Mail. And Johnson is coming out swinging, with a first column on Friday titled, in its entirety, “BORIS JOHNSON: The wonder drug I hoped would stop my 11.30pm fridge raids for cheddar and chorizo didn’t work for me. But I still believe it could change the lives of millions.”

As you might’ve guessed from that doozy of a headline, Johnson’s wrote about his personal journey on Ozempic, and his paranoid suspicions about his former parliamentary colleagues’ weight losses.

Johnson—who was a columnist at the conservative Daily Telegraph prior to entering politics in 2001—makes it clear his transition from one of the most powerful politicians in Europe (before being forced to resign in disgrace) to a gossip columnist is well-earned, and he wastes no time in spilling the tea. Describing how he learned about Ozempic—the diabetes medication that’s taken the weight loss industry by storm—Boris wrote, “I first thought that something was up when I saw that a certain member of the Cabinet had miraculously changed his appearance. He had acquired a new jawline. … When he rose from his chair at the Cabinet table, that chair no longer tried to cling longingly about his hips.”

In other words, Johnson is really not so different from any of the hordes of Twitter users speculating about which celebs are or aren’t on Ozempic (or similar drugs) every time there’s a red carpet. Johnson writes that his “spider senses were jangling” by the time he “noticed another colleague whose silhouette was shrinking visibly; and another.”

He eventually details his personal experience:

After 40 years of moral failure, 40 years of weakness in the face of temptation… I was going to acquire a new and invincible chemical willpower. I was going to become an ex-glutton, a person of moderation and grace and restraint, and like my Cabinet colleagues I was going to start to resemble a chiselled whippet.

According to Johnson, he lost a few pounds before “all at once it started to go wrong.” The injections started to make him feel ill, prompting him to stop taking them—but he still recommends that anyone who can afford the wildly expensive medication should take it, citing a so-called obesity crisis in the U.K. “I see nothing morally wrong in using these drugs to help you lose weight, any more than it is wrong to use an electrically assisted bicycle to get up the hill,” he said. “Even for us fatties, it turns out, there is such a thing as satiety—and science has found it.”

This, mind you, is just Johnson’s first column, coming about a year after he announced his resignation as prime minister after a string of ethics scandals—including accusations that he helped cover up sexual misconduct allegations against a conservative lawmaker. Who knows what the former prime minister’s loftier ambitions in this space may include, as he competes with U.K. tabloid columnist royalty like, say, the Guardian’s Adrian Chiles, author of such hits as, “Do you suffer from shop blindness? I’ve struggled to locate coconut milk for years,” and, “My biggest surprise of the week? I have a naked lookalike—and he is making a fortune on OnlyFans.”

So, congratulations to Mr. Johnson. Like Tucker Carlson revealing his next chapter since departing from Fox News is weekly vlogs for Twitter dot com, Johnson’s next chapter since presiding over Brexit and a mounting cost of living crisis is, clearly, a similar upgrade.