Brad Pitt Ponders a Motorcycle

Brad Pitt Ponders a Motorcycle
Illustration:Joan Summers

Brad Pitt is going through a lot. He’s 56, he’s out of work, he’s adrift somewhere in Malibu. He’s sometimes dating Alia Shawkat, except when he isn’t, but she still bikes to his house constantly. It’s confusing stuff—especially for him! No wonder he’s sitting around, looking at motorcycles, wishing he could be out on the open road with the wind in his sun-damaged, overly long hair. As is common of pictures concerning Angelina Jolie’s somewhat famous ex-husband, though, the photos were too expensive for me to afford. I have interpreted them with the above art and will now describe them to you.

On Tuesday, prying paparazzi snapped photos of ole Brad checking out Flea’s motorcycle, somewhere in Malibu. Who knows why he was hanging out with a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but something tells me it’s because Sat Hari Khalsa, with whom he was photographed back in 2019, spent most of the aughts pumping the band full of ozone. Anyway, the two were checking out what was presumably Flea’s motorcycle, a chrome-wrapped BMW with big honking wheels and a shiny, beetle blue exterior.

However, Brad was not his expectably suave self. His jeans had holes large enough to fit his whole body through, while his shirt looked wrinkled and worn. His hair, most noticeably, was sun-damaged and looked as if he had been dyeing it at home. This is not to judge! We have to celebrate our former heartthrobs because of expectations put on them by toxic masculinity—or something like that. Really, it’s just nice to see he’s letting it all hang loose like the rest of us.

Now, I’ve taken a few artistic liberties with the photo. Flea and Pitt were standing in front of the actor’s Malibu house, from what I could tell, but it’s right on the beach, which is a much nicer backdrop! Also, the sun is not anthropomorphic. But if it were, it’s cheerful brightness would contrast the frown painted broadly across Pitt’s face. I’m sure Alia Shawkat was on his mind, with all that flitting in and out of his public life these last few months of social isolation. Maybe he’s considering a motorcycle of his own to impress her with! Girls love that stuff, allegedly.

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