New Year, No New Dick, So Says Cardi B

"Did I got dicked down yesterday? Absolutely, baby," the rapper said of her New Year's Eve, revealing that she went home with Offset. You know what? Respect.

New Year, No New Dick, So Says Cardi B
Photo:Kathy Hutchins (Shutterstock)

Did you hook up with an ex on New Year’s Eve? We’ve all been there…or will likely be there someday. If you entered 2024 with an expired lover entering you, there’s no need to be embarrassed. You just haven’t met anyone new yet. Even Cardi B gets it.

During a recent livestream on Spaces (yeah, people use it), the rapper told viewers how she spent New Year’s Eve in light of all the evidence of her in the same club as her recently estranged husband of seven years, Offset. In short: Getting “dicked down.”

“I want to be clear to you guys because you guys are making your assumptions and I just wanted you to hear it from the horse’s mouth,” she began. “Was I clubbing with my baby father yesterday? Yes. Did I got dicked down yesterday? Absolutely, baby.” Welp, there ya have it! If formerly retired dick is good enough for Cardi B, it’s good enough for the rest of us sad sacks.

“We was both in the same club and it was just really awkward. Like, I’m in my section, he’s in his section,” Cardi explained. “So it’s like, ‘Man, just fucking come over here. Let’s just chill. We’re having a good time.’” Understandable. I, too, would likely drunkenly invite my most recent ex to “my section” aka the corner I’m crying in.

Apparently, though, we can’t call this one-night stand a reunion just yet. Cardi went on to explain that she and Offset are in couples therapy (if I could be a fly on that wall…) and they’re currently hopeful they’ll be able to unpack their shared (and respective) baggage. “The answer to getting back together is not a good night at the club and fucking the night long. We need to work on our shit, we need to work on our communication, there’s things that he needs to work on, there’s things that I need to work on.”

“If it goes well, then we will be back together,” she continued. “If it doesn’t go well, then it doesn’t go well, but I always want to keep the healthy relationship.” I’ll be honest: this is the healthiest take about hooking up with your ex on a holiday. Some of us—not me, though—should be taking notes.

“It’s a fun night, then guess what, the next day we’re arguing, the next day I’m blocking,” she concluded. “The next thing you know, we aren’t talking for four days. I don’t want to keep that cycle going.”

A perfect resolution if I’ve ever heard one.

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